suddenly i'm socially shut down. socially turned off. socially retarded for lack of a better word. but at the same time i feel like it doesn't really matter. there isn't really anyone who wants to socialize with me anyway. this is what my anniversary guilt is doing to me. i either fuck or get fucked. there is no mature happy medium.
i miss my matty and darrel. my sane, level headed (at least with me) gay male friends, other than tanner. its kind of a multiple anniversary tonight and tomorrow. its my anniversary with myself and coming back to myself. its my anniversary with darrel. yeah, we had been living together for around 5 months but we really didn't start knowing each other until 2 years ago tomorrow. its the same with matty and i. we started becoming actual friends 2 years ago tomorrow. and then of course josh.
literally though, i have been socially fucked today. i can hardly hold a conversation. josh (my client) will be having a conversation with me and he'll almost have to hit me to get anything out of me. or to get me to at least say 'what'. i feel like an asshole. and even if i have had anything to say today it has been almost impossible for me to put it into coherent conversation. or even sentences.
i read my journal from 2000 last night. its amazing how different things are and how different i am. i was very passionate about things though. about friends. and about mitch and neil. very passionate. and creative. a lot happened that year. that was the year i met and became friends with claire. wow. i can't believe i have known claire for almost 4 years. that is insane. and a lot of that time we saw each other every single day. up until recently because i'm a prick and hardly ever go out to camp to visit her and my boy. although i went today with josh. he wanted to see my dog...and claire. and both made equally good impressions on him.
its amazing how easily people stop calling each other. and i mean that in every aspect. for instance claire and i used to live together and now we call each other every now and then and see each other randomly. t.j. said he would call on saturday and still hasn't. i guess when he said he wasn't sexually attracted to me he meant to say he never wanted to speak with me. and lyle - well i kind of encouraged that though because he was rude to t.j. and i one night. but still... and why is it that if you are the one who tries first to make contact you are looked at as desperate or at least looked down apon in some way.
i don't know what i'm going to do tonight. i don't want to stay in but i don't want to go out. i don't want to be by myself but i don't want to be around a lot of people.
i realized yesterday that the reason i most likely chose to open up to t.j. (other than the fact that we got along so easily) was probably because i was subconsciously searching for someone to run to and run away from dealing with the anniversary. it wasn't a bad choice until he mistook not being sexually attracted to me with not being able to be friends with me. funny, cuz thats what he was worried about in the beginning. me being only sexually attracted to him. looks like a case of practice what you preach. oh well. i live and i learn. (some more) (again) (take:number...what is it now?)
i love you all more ~ cody t.
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