i find i like to change the look of my blog just like i like to change my own look. but my blog usually changes when some significant change or happening goes on in my life. it makes sense.
melissa and i saw the movie "saw" last night. it was good. i think it was a brilliant idea. i was left wanting more, hoping for a sequel. and it was left open enough for one.
so last night i hung out with the new boy again. i had a lot of fun last night. there were a lot of weird people out though. and some of them pissed me off, well they didn't really i just hated their phoniness (is that a word and is that how it is spelled if it is???). but i sure danced my ass off anyway. even to the songs i didn't like. i guess i just had a lot bottled up, i really haven't danced much recently, but in more ways then one. with all of this new shit going on i just have a zero tolerance for bullshit. the last song of the evening was a song that i have claimed as my own theme song for the gay community and how they treat me....i'm so dramatic, i know. basically the song talks of how people talk shit and tell lies about me when they really do not know me at all. me and a couple guys i was with just went to town. lets just say i was very song appropriately expressive in my dancing. the phonies fags thought i was just dancing and having a good time acting out the song but my friends and i knew there was more behind it then that. funny how they couldn't see. couldn't see truth. because there was no part of me that was trying to pretend like i was joking.
so now i am being held hostage by no one other than myself. i am not in iowa city, i am not in des moines. no one knows i left nor will they even notice i'm sure. and my phone does not have service where i am at this exact moment and where i have been all day. so i have no idea if anyone has tried to call me and i can't call anyone. it feels nice. i might be back in existence tomorrow i'm not sure yet. i just needed some inspiration something different. somewhere else for a day or two. so i did it.
the other night i saw this guy that i dated back in 02 and i hadn't seen him for like a year or more. it was ok at first but then it just got sad. he was extremely wasted. he was with his friends and his boyfriend and they were not helping him at all. he was about to pass out on numerous occassions and actually did at one point. i kept asking if he was ok and he just said yeah and would turn around. melissa said that she has seen him a few times in the past few months and every time he was wasted and puking and all that. its rather depressing. at one point his friends were making fun of how wasted he was but proceeded to buy him another shot. he couldn't stand up let alone sit on a bar stool without assistance but yet they think, and apparently he did to, that he needs another shot. some friends... so here i am watching this guy that i used to care for that used to care for me and that is all i had. all i had was the fact that we used to give a shit about eachother. i couldn't help him whether he wanted me to or not, which if i had tried he would have turned it into something it wasn't. most likely anyway. and so i walk away so i don't have to see it anymore. and who knows what became of him that night. but i know my heart cracked just a bit as i took those steps in the opposite direction.
ultimately i am feeling pretty good about things, me, and my life right now. i'm in hiding from society yes but i did that on purpose for myself. but i know that soon i will have to start recycling for real. i've seen it all weekend long how i will have to do it and most likely i'll have to do it sooner than later. it sucks, and it hurts but things are happening, things are changing.
i'm watching "one hour photo" and it just got weird so i gotta' go!
love ~ cody tyler
No comments:
Post a Comment