out of touch, out of sorts. waiting for the shower of my life.

i have been away. and i have been distant. but i have never been one to hide my feelings or cover them up. but i have become that person. i guess when you are told or made to believe that yor problems or the things you are going through don't rate you just start to believe it. or you just get tired of trying to push your way through to be heard. especially when you know the outcome of every tale you start to tell.

i have not been safe. i have not been proud. i have resorted to old ways of dealing with this lonliness but this time i think i am experiencing actual true lonliness much not like my childish lonliness of younger, more foolish, selfish days. i have pushed aside my self my sense of soul. something i vowed never to do again after childhood. i've done it and i lay at the bottom of a deep hole grasping for a ledge, because i do see the light and it isn't very far away. but i also see the discomfort and pain of lost relationships, friendships that were once dead set believed untouchable that may fade over time or very quickly. i see histories fastly becoming history.

but i still have been most of me. i still have my good parts. i'm still smiling a true genuine smile no matter what. something that was passed down directly to me from my mother. i'm still the guy that cares and looks after people he cares about even if it doesn't seem to be resipricated or even appreciated.
i'm still that cody that can never fake a laugh and can never control it once it starts - which happens frequently. still. i'm still the cody that loves to dance and be around people and have a fuckin excellent time. and i am definatley still the cody that sings his heart out in the shower and probabaly dances in the shower more than anyone could ever imagine. my shower is where i go everyday to wash off the madness from work, the shitty petty bullshit of my personal life. its where i am when im excited about being with my friends, where i dream about moving back to north carolina - finshing what i started for myself - and becoming the person i feel inside waiting to burst out. again. i wash the bad and lather up the good. in my life i will start lathering at the end of july / beginning of august. right now i'm just trying to get out the dirty. ;]

peace.

- cody tyler