eeek.

not to sound bad but i've calculated my data ;) (some know what i am talking about) and there is a definite pattern with the gay guys in relationships around here. (so maybe its best i am not in one. i just hope it doesn't rub off on me.) they all kinda think their shit don't stink and they all moan and grunt their problems to everyone but their significant other and when things go too far they talk of how they desperately want to make it work - but notice i said when things go too far, they all kinda fuck around behind each others backs. some know - most don't - but everyone else knows and nobody tells them because of their attitudes. and because of how they are always pulling false alarms anyway. it would be wonderful if people could approach them and be able to say "look i need to tell you about your boyfriend" but they would snap. also a lot are really sneaky. (manipulative?) and so exclusive but only part of the time. and they do it through slimy messages and dirty texts. this is in no way a jab at my former. but my former "whatever" did help me to put together why i was so confused and slightly ished about most of the gay relationships i come across here. i know it can't be all of them. i just can't wait to meet the positive gay relationship role models. here.

its just that lately i have been sitting back and observing again. reading again. (in more ways than one) and i am still proud of myself and my life and where i am these days. i've been reflecting. only this time i am more clear headed than i have ever been. (even though i have said that before - i realize now i had been exaggerating in the past) and I am back. it makes me smile. the sad thing is that i may be looked down upon or less than for not being in a relationship in these communities but hey, at least i'm not in a shitty'ol mess of one. or a fake one. or an abusive one. (anymore :) phew!) or one where i am being put at risk because my partner sleeps around (but lies about it). and without condoms. (and lies about that too)

i realize how bitter and jaded this all may sound when written. but i promise you that is not the case. which is kind of a surprise to me as well. usually after i have been crushed and forgotten i tend to over compensate and not date for a year or two. not this time. things are seen in a new light fo'real this time. and i am happy about it. and happy.

enough. i am.
~ c.

p.s. someone told me he would be out of town for the weekend with t. and said if you can't get a hold of me its because i have no phone or computer. is it possible that he is so focused on himself he didn't even notice that i hadn't been contacting him. only once did i. and now i probably won't hear from him cuz i told him it shouldn't be a problem since he is no longer programmed in my phone. and he acted surprised. i made him very well aware of the fact that i thought he would disappear for good if i stopped contact and he said it wouldn't work out that way. hmmm... yeah. hmmmm.... its just what i had to do to stop myself from hurting myself with his actions. (or lack there of.) does that make me wrong. does that make me bad. i knew i would barely hear from him so i knew if he did contact me - i would know it was him. and the very few times he did i deleted right away so i couldn't harm myself with his actions (or lack there of). again. some more. so strange how i spent months letting him know me and how i was and to realize from november to may he only heard what he wanted to hear. only saw what he wanted to hear. which i guess works out cuz he only let me hear what he wanted me to hear and only showed me what he wanted to show. (so mostly nude photos and of course the constant talk of sex) so many realizations come fourth. ones of him. a lot of me. ones of you and you and you. :) ones of past. so many things i have been thinking about lately. i am on top of my game again. with much thanks to all of - you who know who you are - and a lil guidance from yehuda of course! ;)

peace out.