last night.

so last night i went to see a movie by myself i think for the first time since a horrible experience in the 5th grade. i was fine with going - no problem at all actually.  and i really wanted to see the movie anyway. but as much as i may have liked going by myself and as much as i liked the movie, it may have been the wrong one to go to by myself at this time in my life. or maybe it was exactly the right movie for me to see.  there were many things going on in the film that really struck a chord and were very familiar to recent events.  at one point i found myself crying to myself. i love when a movie can do that but it felt odd that once again after well over a decade i was alone in a theater crying not necessarily because of the movie but because of what was going on in my life.  yet still in 2 completely different places within my life. clearly.  i didn't feel ashamed to be there alone the way i did in the 5th grade.  i didn't feel as alone as i did in the fifth grade. it was last night that i realized i am an adult dealing with very adult issues that i have blown off in the past as overly dramatic or individuals being selfish and mean.  yes there have been some selfish individuals but we all are to a certain extent.  when i got in my car and started to drive back to the house i am watching and the dogs i am caring for i just started crying.  my face literally burst with tears and at first i thought it was another victim scenario.  but i soon realized that i was sobbing because all i have ever wanted in life was to be heard.  to wake people up. to help people. and i felt because of the recent events that i have failed to a certain extent. and it just made me realize i have a lot of work to do in order to not treat people the way i have been treated.  that its a lot but it is not all that difficult.  the difficulty is in the distractions.  "i was addicted to saying things to someone and having them matter." or them making me believe it matters.

 

there was a moment in the movie where the main character asks "have you ever had someone hold you for 20 minutes straight and want nothing more than to hold you.  they don't try to pull away, they don't try to look at you, they don't try to kiss you.  they just hold you in the most unselfish way?"

 

this is all i have ever wanted from people.  literally and figuratively.

 

"you are my only friend. 

Start fresh!"

 

love ~ me.