i got your text...
or at least i assumed it was you. and sorry for not getting back to you sooner. like i said i no longer have you programmed in my phone and that was because i was tired of disapointing myself. as in having expectations, that you gave me, that you would be a friend. so i delete them right away so i can't send a sad or upset text back.
i guess if you care here is an update of things going on in my life. i am working part time at the cllc and it is going well. i enjoy the people that work there and the people i work with. its nice to do direct care again as well. i've missed it. but it got kinda crazy while i was training, i've been working a lot of 13 or 14 hour days. i help out at camp when i can which will be a lot this week. but yet again 13 hours days but i don't mind it as much with camp cuz i fucking love the place! martin's 4th painting is coming along nicely. i am actually way more into this one than i were the last 3 but have less time.
in my personal i am still going home the 29th and i am super excited. i need a break from here, from my home or lack there of, and from lack of understanding and deep real friendships. i have made some new friends which has been nice and a lot of fun but they look at me and sense the saddness of the past few months in my eyes and ask me about it. but i do not complain. i just explain that there have been some changes and some changes needed. it would have been really nice if you would have followed through with being a friend to me, tooth. i really needed one lately due to my home life. things have continued to go down hill with l. and bf.c. i had a discussion with l. a couple times and things would be good for a day or two but then be even worse. the last straw was me knowing her and her friends just did coke in her bedroom twice, and then coming home to cockroaches in my kitchen and my pillow shredded and the friends loud unruly dog. since then i have told her she has to move out as soon as possible. she says she understands and that she is not upset and that we will still be friends but you know how that goes.
its been pretty rough. and i have had my moments of breakdown privately. and since b, you and l. and bf.c. were my closest friends here i had no one but b. b. has been great but she is going through some of this stuff on her own as well. plus i was sick of trying to find someone to be there for me when i had these "friends" that said they cared. yet i kept hoping you would follow through with what you said. but i know you, just like i have always known you. and gradually your obligatory text went from every monday wednesday and friday to every monday and friday to just mondays and now i ask that it no longer happen. i know this won't be a difficult task for you but please do not text me cuz it is an instant step back the very moment it happens. i'm trying to make over my life for the better. i'm realizing the things i do wrong and changing them but i am trying to do whats right for me and don't want negative bullshit that can provoke my own negative bullshit to come out anymore. i no longer will allow myself to allow people to hold me back. but i know i can be easily distracted, and since you meant so much to me at one time and i did want your friendship and you told me you wanted mine, i will get distracted with a measly vacant text.
i'm very glad and thankful everything has gone down the way that it has. it has shown me exactly how you and l. and bf.c. really are, and also helped me to recognize for the most part now when someone is just doing something for the way that it makes them look. (sure this will still happen it happens all of the time) and i can be civil and friendly to everyone. and i am happy. and i smile and laugh for real. and i am stronger than before and much smarter than before. and i am still desirable to good people. people that actually want to get to know me. i also know i can do all this and make new friends, except this time make the right ones. ones that actually care to be my friend cuz they care about me and ones that don't need their ego stroked 24/7. im not trying to make you feel bad. this isn't only about you, i am updating you on me cuz at one time you said you still cared and wanted to be my friend. by the way putting me back on your top friends on myspace does not mean we are friends, you never speak to me, never send me myspace messages nor do you allow my comments to even show, and never send me emails or call me to see how i am doing. but it sure does make it look like we are friends to others. this is the behavior i told you about right before t. let you move back in, remember? so its saddens me to see that you haven't changed. i asked you what you would do if i ran and asked if you would chase me. and you said "yes as a friend." i didn't even have to run. yet i no longer can even see you in the distance. thanks a lot, tooth. but also thank you very much. believe it or not but i am no longer angry. i just got fed up with being hurt. in the exact same way you said t. just kept hurting you over and over by not talking to you. so if you thought of others feelings as you say you do you would have noticed. i had even already mentioned it the night i deserved the "friend of the year ward." i wasn't asking to be with you i was asking for your friendship that we swore would always be.
if you do "still care" feel free to email me or call me when you think i won't be working. honestly, i really don't expect to hear from you though. and please don't send me an email full of "really busy" excuses. i'm not a child. don't treat me as one. if you cared you would make a little time. if you care you will prove it.
good luck. have fun.
goodbye ~ ME
if you read my blog you already know all of this. and if you already know all of this you deserve double goodluck!
i forgive you and wish you well.
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