but being caught up in it i guess i just disn't want to write about it until i processed this weekend. so maybe i'll do an entry tomorrow or sometime this week. i have received some of the nicest compliments this weekend. and i guess i have kinda seen who my friends are maybe. or maybe i'll find that out tonight. maybe this weekend which i thought wold make me crazy will actually bring out me and whats best for me in many different ways. its funny, i thought i would be more sad about mi and wanting to call him desperately and tell him that it doesn't have to be this way, this 13 year old way. but i found myself missing him but being so upset with him and endlessly dissapointed that my best friend and boyfriend in my time of need and lack of stability cuz my world turned upside down was not a support. was not there for me. instead he gave me timelines and ultimatums to benefit his feelings and his life. well his life was actually better he got a job he wanted he had a home of his own. meanwhile my living situation fell out from under me and i had been staying on peoples couches or floors. driving to my job that i was supposed to be done with - thank god they kept me and i didn't have to look for a job as well. but none the less, my world was not where i thought it was going to be. and my boyfriend didn't seem to care about anything but making sure he got what he wanted. so now when i think about it and realize that i also realize that thtas basically how our entire realationship was. yet i still miss him. cuz i do love him and i understand him probably better than he understands himself but his ego and pride coan never back down... hes so scared. such a scared little boy. and i mean look at him now. going out and getting wasted probably forgetting he told me multiple times that he only does that when hes horribly unhappy. never speaking to me again just like back in middle school... never speaking to me again. really? he's 32. i'm 27. we spent every day togethere since december and this is how it has to be cuz he didn't get his way. i just want to take him aside and make him realize. slap him silly and then hold him like he's never been held before and just squeez him. like a rag and just wring out all the hurt and the confusion and anything else he uses to cloud his mind. not to get back with him but hey if i could actually do all that then we probably would. but just to get him to realize that this is just going to keep happening. over and over like it has already. make him look within instead of looking for the problem in everyone else. ok i need to stop now cuz now i do want to call him desperately. to yell at him. to get my anger out. ugh. i miss my friend. i miss my friends. i miss my family.
more about my weekend later... there are some interesting thigs to tell.
love ~ me
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