Decode

"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools
Of ourselves"

i found my old blog. i used to write in it multiple times a day. it helped get me through some crap but its really funny how much my age shows through. the reason i ever started this one was because that one suddenly vanished on me one day and i thought it got deleted. so strange. i really should start writing every day again. maybe thats what i'll do to get my self discipline back and will power. i'll write something every day and i'll paint on my gigantic canvas on my wall in my bedroom every day. or maybe as long as i do one or the other. we'll see.

i'm doing an inhome care thing again. i think i wrote a tiny bit last time i did it. its easier this time around but its still really hard to shut off the crazy enough to be able to be stuck in this apartment for 52 hours straight. but hey, eyes on the prize right. and its good for me. to stay in and do good as opposed to doing nothing all weekend except being lazy.

speaking of, i don't know if its old age, daylight savings time-lag, or if we have a carbon monoxide leak in our place but i am always tired whenever i am at my new home. maybe its my body being relieved for not having my own space for 3 months. or more if you count before i moved in with mi.

as for mi.... we spoke on the phone once - i went over and got some shit from his place - he is still all weird about shit. its so disappointing. i don't know what i am holding onto other than the fact that it never had to be like this and maybe cuz i realize i was always one of the few that called him out and didn't let him get away with murder like he does with everything, and even in that position he still got away with enough for me to say enough. i just worry about him. cuz i know he wants to be happy but 32 years of cover things and hiding and running thats a hard thing to turn around. its like imagine you were a drug addict or alcoholic since the earliest you can remember and trying to change it now after 32 years. well thats where he is. and i saw him change on his own in very little ways, which is what kept me going most likely, but he did it on his own after marie and i would call him out on shit... it just makes me sad. but once again, i don't know if i am sad cuz i want to help him and miss him, or if i'm just sad cuz i really love him and i know its going to be difficult for him. i see pictures of him and i just feel like i can feel his misery. even through the bared teeth... i guess on my end love really is stronger than pride, cuz i have reached out to let him open up or reach back or what have you and nothing. which has recently started making me very angry. cuz why the hell would you wanna blow off something that you know is good for you. and i am talking just as friends. he knows, and admits, i never did any wrong to him and still here we are. i keep having him in the background of dreams i have, he won't play a part in the dream other than the fact that i see him and i can feel his misery. i think i am finally being pulled away from him to move on. but not cuz of me or anyone else. just as if the universe is saying "hey he gave up, you haven't. peace out, just peace out."

this feels good. maybe i will write more later.

love ~ me