this was yesterdays entry that vanished somehow....

i'll get it all figured out, when i'm out from under...

i miss real things. i don't know whats happened to me here in the nc but most of the people i formed real and what i thought was secure relations with have abandoned me. which is kinda my fault. i can't keep my fuckin mouth shut. and then the others its cuz i was dating them. so maybe next time i should just keep my mouth shut with that too. i need to stop telling them that the thing i hate the most is when people vanish and stop all contact. i'm sure its not a personal attack on me but sometimes it feels like they do it on purpose cuz they know its the easiest way to fuckin stab the knife in and twist. i can't wait til darrel gets here on thanksgiving. and i wish travis could make it here. i miss mom. i think now that things are done and over with my body is just ready for something, anything, familiar again. anything familiar besides sleep and over eating / drinking. cuz those are the three things i apparently can't get enough of. gross. the sleep is kind of new though. i've never been this sleepy in my life. i guess maybe i am finally following in grandpa and mom's footsteps. i don't think i am quite to the point where anytime i sit down i can fall asleep but i definitely have my moments. holy shit. i wish you really could catch up on sleep, but i would have a lot to catch up on...

it breaks my heart that people have to be so scared and so shut off. not that i have never been that way or that i'm not in certain ways. but when you love someone in anyway for whatever amount of time how do you just shut it off so easily. its one area where sometimes i truly wish i could conform. where i wish i could be like other people. or at least lie to myself to the point of convincing like others do. i refuse to believe that people can actually shut it off like that. i think i was close to being that person once i just needed huge drug filled distractions to be able to be that close. but lately, and it scares the shit out of me, i am seeing how its possible to get so hurt and so bitter to be able to shut everyone out. this past weekend i had a moment where i almost got rid of anyone that was/is associated with certain people. i was to close to someone who does it too well so now i know all the tricks. i know exactly how to do it how to (try to) fool myself. i'm just kind of fed up. i know for people who know me its probably really hard to believe that i almost love everyone. i can honestly say i like people in general, despite the ignorance and habits and all that. i find it all way too interesting to not enjoy it. i just wish people would chill the fuck out an just give a damn. i also wish i knew how to come off the way i feel inside, but i can't seem to escape the appearance of narcissism, and gay, and bitchy, and negative. maybe if i wouldn't write an talk the way i am right now... maybe if i wasn't so hard on myself it would be easier for others to see me. (thanks childhood) anyway, just thoughts provoked this morning. thanks to an ex, a friend, certain life situtions, and the shitty dreams i had last night (again).

love ~ me.