i am going where i am not expendable

.reach around pull stick out of ass.

.the are better things than your appearance - or the appearance of your appearance, than comfort of habit and tradition.

.there are worse things than ex boyfriends/girlfriends and financial woes and cars and driving.

i'm going home, to iowa, tomorrow. where i am not expendable. where there are people who are happy to have me around. where there are people who know me inside and out and understand it and accept it. where i am not "so hard to read." where i can shut off the loops in my head. so i don't have to constantly reassure myself. i am in desperate need of the vacation. i just don't know that freezing cold snowy iowa is gonna do the trick. once again i am suprised, yet not, by people's actions and behavior. in good ways and in bad. i love how its so hard for people to be honest with themselves. i also love how because we are not honest with ourselves, when things go not as planned, we point our fingers in other directions. or dissappear. i love that once again because i am writing this it sounds as if i am negative and in a bad mood. i am not. i'm a little disappointed again. still. but it literally is whatever. and i have been in an excellent mood all week. even despite my co worker who has a tendency to drive me up the wall. and the fact that i'm broke at the moment and my car was broken into last week and people keep dropping like flies cuz everyone has some much shit to process these days and multitasking is apparently out of the question. :D things are generally good. my job is going to be pretty kickas once i smooth out some kinks. i'm finally feeling back to mine. i can't wait to smooth these last little transitional bits out. i'm owning up to my feelings and my actions. i'm being honest with myself and i can still be a good kind person to others and be honest to them as well. i'm phasing out and phasing in with a smile on my face and only a glimmer of dissapointment and sadness in my eye. i can no longer feel bad about other people's choices.

i am already planning my next move.

peace out. wish me luck in the frigid i.a.

love ~ me