I know that most of my blogs sound pathetic, and i'm really not as down as they sound. there are some situations in my life that i am struggling and are frustrating though and now there is a twist.
right now i am probably in the worst financial situation i have ever been in. keep in mind i do not possess a credit card (thank god, but now it will be a while til i EVER do) or have student loans to pay. but i moved back down here from iowa city because of financial bullshit [f.b.] and it has just gotten worse since then. anyway i'm on the phone with my mother this evening talking about the f.b. and she says, "maybe its time to start talking to your father again." cuz the man has some money.
my father: how do i put it? first off my father and i never really had a positive relationship of any kind. and what he did to my mother after i left for college was were i drew the line. i guess you could say i never really had a father. i had a guy that sat on the couch, reading the paper, eating, and watching the tele. v. all night long after work while mom did everything else. he brought in some money and that was basically is input into the family. except for the times when he fought. when he made our lives literally a living hell. that was the last 9 years of life with my father. the 10 years before that, i don't know if you would call them worse.... but the fighting was. it of course was more physical and mental and verbal all at the same time. a life of fear is what my mother and i and my brother lived. i have hardly spoken to him since i was 19. that is roughly 3 years. and not at all in the past year and a half. while chad would go see him on christmas and get money and all that from him i would stay with mom. being told that i could only get my money from him if i went and saw him. the money wasn't that important to me. there is much more to the story but a touch is all that is needed right now...
i tell my mother that i don't want the reason i start talking to him again to be because i need money. god knows he is probably sitting on what mom makes in a year. then she tells me that one time when she went in to put money in my account(which my mother has helped me out more than she can even afford) the teller asked her, "which one of his accounts, the one at (my fathers address)?" nether of us know anything about this account. and i only have one account. unless he has set up an account saving money for me.
so now what. here i am at a time where i need money more than i have in a long time - but definitely do not think i can handle the mental strain and stress of trying to mend things with my father. or can i. i have been given this much so far at one time, should i be able to handle this to. all of this other stuff is basically at the surface. dad goes deep. deeper than i may know. i'm stuck. and mom doesn't want anyone to know that i found out about it through her. i could call the bank and ask for my balances, i could email dad and pretend it was me they asked "which account?" to. i have no idea.
as blank as i'll ever be ~ cody
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