thoughts of de' mo'

so i was reading emails and blogs and things and was reminded of how things are in des moines and how they were before i left. i'm not sure if any of you read this anymore but, you know whatever.

i'm really glad i'm here. i am a complete 180 from what i was before i left. remember: heartattacks, binging, drama drama drama - gay or not, so and so said this, so and so did that, i did this, i can't believe i did that, just to name a few. it isn't going on here. i won't say it doesn't but right now and for the past month it really isn't and hasn't. i've met these people, and whether we completely get along or not we all have absolute respect for eachother. and we all share atleast one thing (usually more than one) in common. our hearts. and our hearts sent us here for the same reason. to make people's lives a little bit better. even if it is just a little bit. we deal with our personal lives, we deal with our work lives. we share with eachother. our lives work and personal. a new friend of mine shared his past with me the other night and it wasn't until that one night that i realized or finally believed that he was my friend. he shared with me things that we ended up truly having in common, in a sad way, but we shared it so now he knows when he is feeling that way again he has me to go to, me to understand him. it was nice. i haven't made a new friend (while sober) in a really long time. its sad i know. but its also sad that its true. thats why i'm seriously frieghtened to go back to des moines. and peoples emails and blogs just kind of reminded me of that in this moment. i felt sad that i wasn't there but happy that i am out of the fog finally. again. sorry josh. but its just helps me to keep thinking about my future (whether it be in des moines at all or not) and that is what i need to do. i have actual goals now. actual fears of the way i was living. fears of the way i know people are going to react when they hear this face to face. becuase it will affect a lot of people. but it won't mean what they think it will. and everything will be fine in the end. i know this that is why i will do this. i still want to hear from everyone, and i feel like there are people that aren't emailing me because i haven't called them enough or yet but its not what you think, don't take it so personal. i don't have a lot of time. i'm not avoiding. i'm working all day long. but i'm also finally existing.

i love you all.
love ~ codes


p.s. wow, sorry, it just kind of fell out of my heart like that. hope its not overwhelming to any of you. :]