i felt the need to brighten things up a bit.

hopefully that helps the mood of my blogs to stay bright and sunny too. and i like the leaves cuz it reminds me of camp which in turn reminds me of who i was at camp and how thats who i'm supposed to be. that was me at my near greatest. but theres only more to come.

i'm ready to be out of des moines. visions of iowa city, north carolina, nyc, la? are dancing around in my head. and then money comes crashing in and tries to destroy all of my happy images. but i'm workin' on it. i'm tryin' to figure this shit out. after fuckin' 23 years i'm fianlly starting to get a grasp on things. maybe this whole not being drunk every single night is helping....gee maybe!

once again my ex walked up to me last night and told me he wanted to make out with me "reeeaaal bad!" we were at a bar. a not very busy bar. he was drunk, i was not. i asked him why and then told him before he had a chance to answer that i wouldn't do it right there anyway. so he says we can sneak off somewhere for a little bit. which needless to say sparked the response of, "yeah you're real good at doing that huh, lyle. isn't that the only way you do it?" thats what he did when he cheated on me this summer. i can't believe he said that to me. obviously i didn't make out with him. i am not your snack. i am not a snack. i'm a meal damn it. one that needs to be enjoyed slowly. chewed 20 times each bite. ;] fuckin' fuck sucks in and out of my life. gone through like water. i musn't. simply musn't. atleast anymore. i did on saturday and oh my god.....sober sex is fun. this guy was nutts though. the more i talk about it the worse i feel about myself;] so i'm not going to go in to detail. sorry.

i have some health issues going on right now. and some doctor issues too. my doctor in my hometown is retiring so i might have to be reevaluated for my bipolor which costs a lot of money and its the only way i continue getting lithium. and if i go off of lithium i become dad. eew. the other health concerns are nothing serious they will all be taken care of very shortly. its my own fault anyway, i have not been taking care of myself since i have been back from camp.

i introduced two artist friends to eachother last night and it was a success. they got a long well and got to share stories and stuff which made me feel good. one is fairly established in town and the the other is trying so i thought i would help her out.

i need to go, i must eat and make phone calls. everything is o.k. but just o.k. i'm ready to be outta' here but i'm dealing with not being outta' here pretty well. i feel bad for the people around me cuz i'm starting to shut down a bit. not for any paticular reason just a way of dealing with being somewhere i have no desire to be. anyway.

love ~ cody tyler