Luck Of The Irish!

thanks to st. patty's day i got to hang out with my friend katie and her friend molly and i had such a great time. last night was a great night. i got to see a lot of people, good thing we all chose to go to the same bar pretty much, and everyone got along well. and...i didn't even get that wasted. not like i had planned anyway. st. patricks day is my second favorite holiday, halloween being the first. but today i will shit green at some point. its a given.

so i got to hang out with katie who i haven't really hung out with much even though we live in the same town! it was a good time. shes a funny girl. and the funny girl got a little bit tipsy last night. we walked through the bar at one opoint and she grabbed everyones butt. eveyone. i loved it, and she can do shit like that cuz shes so damn cute. no really...shes cute! apparently they might be moving to north carolina too. i didn't get top hang out with darrel much but i'm sure he understands cuz katie was around so its all good.

so the question i have been sitting on for the past two weeks, where i have also been on a bit of a bender that will be gone after this weekend, is...am i enjoying my cody time these days because i actually know how to appreciate it now or am i still just running from something. i find myself making sure i dodge out of situations just to go basically sit with myself. like i was having breakfast with a friend today and i pretty much made him go away so i could spend the rest of my day before work by myself. (ohmagawd, somebody in the library just farted and it smells like meatball sub from subway farts) i told him that i need to hang out with myself becasue my friend was coming up tonight and this was my only cody time.

also 2 days ago i was here in the library in full on cody mode just checking my email looking at books and movies when josh from last summer taps me on the shoulder and says hey. keep in mind i never get spoken to or never do i really ever speak to anyone when i am in the library. (its my nice quiet cody time surrounded by people.) so when he tapped me on the shoulder and started talking to me i was caught off guard and i couldn't really hold a conversation so i just put all of my things away and told him i had to go. so i could still be in cody time but it was already ruined cuz then i got a messege from some girl who is writing her senior thesis on darrel and wants to interview me for it and asked if there was a time she could "come over" to my place...weird. then i call josh from last summer and appologize for being a creep, then a duck, yes a duck, flies directly over my head and when i look down i see trash runner [this guy who runs and picks up trash while doing so but can't step on cracks] driving!! trash runner can drive!? he can't even run with out stepping on cracks but he can drive. and a brand new really nice car too. i called this cody tyler and his series of wacked out events. but its only the beginning. there are plenty more.

so really how will i know whether i am pushing social activity away or if i'm just trying to maintane a balance. i'm thinking that i know myself pretty well and i'm probably doing a combination of both. the friend i had breakfast with today told me my shirt was true. he was joking but its kind of what got me on this topic today. my shirt has a robot on it thats holding a little heart in its hands and it reads, "my plastic heart cannot love." i know thats not true but i also know there are a few people in my life that say my actions, or lack of actions perhaps, prove the shirt to be right. its not. i have great love. i just sometimes have a really fucked up way of showing it, or i have a hard time with it. i could probably blame it all on my dad and my child hood but thats so 1990's and the 90's were pretty lame, except for the last couple years...kinda'. sometimes i just feel like people want too much to soon. i like buliding it. molding it into my own or our own. just like my love for claire is not like my love for darrel or my mom. thats because we've built it seperately together. but once its bulit its there and it won't go away. i still love certain people that i haven't spoken to in years. and when i think about them no matter what came between us good or bad i feel the love sweel up the most. i know i don't usually care what people think but i just don't want people thinking that i cannot or do not want to. its important to me. and it also scares the shit out of me.

love ~ cody "my heart is not made of plastic" tyler