mom only knows...

so slowly but steadily i feel this pressure. this extra gravity, maybe. its as if a little gnome (is that how you spell that) is sitting on my shoulder, or on my head rather, and pushing down on my shoulders. its all because of this weekend. i'm having these moments where i feel like i am a kid again. i feel chubby and overlooked again. except to poke my belly or just poke fun. i feel scared again. that constant flow of frieght that was always present when i was young. afraid that i would say something wrong, or not be able to make them laugh like chad. too afraid to even try. what if they realize i know nothing of football, what if they realize i really don't care? do they even know i am there? just waitng for these glass shoes to break and cut my soles. that frieght that i shed long ago...or did i? maybe i just put a blanket over it. like this behavior i am feeling now, maybe i reacted. cuz then i did't know the difference. and this weekend will be my true test at resistence. my true test to resist to react. like every time before i imagine it to be the worst. but in truth it will probably be close to the opposite. especially after who i have become - now. in the present. knowing this, believing this will make it easier. this is my opportunity to make the curtain thinner. to remove that blanket. and let the light in for once.

so i am going to my hometown of creston this weekend for my grandma's funeral. its my grandma on my father's side. the side i haven't spoken to, until christmas, for 5 years. the side that i never really enjoyed speaking to. the side that never heard me anyway. they always gave me this feeling like i should just turn and run the other way. no litterally like whenever they spoke to me they might as well have been saying "what the hell are you even here for, can't you just leave?" and some of them actually have said this to me. among other things. i learned all of my selfish ways from them. some which have oddly turned out to help me but most just make me feel ashamed. and disgusting. they don't realize i know all of their secrets. their nasty fucked up secrets that they think no one will ever know. because most of the family has this weird thing where they could hide anything involving their family. its like they know their family is in the wrong, but they fear public humiliation instead of fearing being a bad person. even if its bad deep down.

godbless my mother. if i wasn't half her i'm not sure there would be any hope for me. i need to go, this is long enough. although i did need to get this off of my chest...

love ~ cody tyler (means)