BY MY SELF. hers-inspiredVENT

so i have been outside of the staff lounge for 2 hours and the only person that has spoken to me is my boss. i love her... but my "friends" haven't even come to talk to me.

i just got done i.m.ing with darrel for about an hour and it was really nice. good to have contact with the outside world. but with that and emails from people it just kind of makes me realize i'm pretty lonely. well i guess for lack of a better word thats what i'll say.

each day i feel like i stepped on cammis favorite stilletto cuz i feel like she hardly likes to talk to me anymore. i don't have missy and swap anymore. nufsaid. basically its jackie and rosa. annas involved in her new gay thing - good for her- so we have hardly hung out. who knows. its probably just me. and i feel so old next to some of these people. i know my age isn't that much older but these people do not know me and judge my surface only. atleast it feels that way. and i'm a lot deeper than my surface. especially here cuz i am just a big doofus most of the time cuz i'm in full on play mode. but then i feel bossy cuz i know what i'm doing and enjoy it. i feel like no one here would even bother taking me seriously.

i feel so unattached from my "family" - scary thing about it is i can't tell if i feel bad about it. mom yes. but her and i are different. i'm just not sure there is a whole lot of caring involved between us. on either end. i guess i have yet to find my family.

i can't call my mom cuz she gets my bank statements. oops. my dad who tries to claim he wants to talk to me and be a part of my life all of the time hasn't even bothered to ask me how things are going here but has managed to send me - quite literally - 100 forwards since i've moved here. and most of them nothing even shows up. jebus crise! i haven't heard from my brother in god knows how long. and feel distant from him anyway cuz i feel like he never really aproves of anything i do or just really wants to try to tell me how to live a.k.a. never have i ever felt like he takes me seriously....maybe its his way of trying to help or give advice but it just kind of shows how much he doesn't know me cuz if he did he would know how to approach me about shit like that.

what it comes down to is that i'm struggling with a very importAnt part of my life right now and i have no where to go. i can't even figure out how to say it out loud. or what exactly it is - for sure. i have no sense of home, no sense of security. no sense of family.

"what i want is to live forever. not defined by time and space - its a lonely place - thats what i want."

who knows. hopefully i will soon. i wish someone or something would just scoop me up and take me away and take care of me for once (in a nonmaterial way) and just do it without talking about it. i want someone who will give me what i feel i give my campers/clients. sorry if i demand. but few truly know what its like to put all of you into many others that deserve it so much but can't really show you that they appreciate it. please don't turn that around. claire you know what i'm talking about. for instance i'm here at this camp because i love it, because i love people with autism. unlike a lot of staff i am not here for my major. i'm not even in school and i am the only one unless they are a graduate. yet another reason i am not taken seriously. anyway i should stop. its starting to feel pointless to even be writing about this.

gotta' go now.

love - cody tyler

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CLAIRE YESTERDAY!!! AWE I WISH I COULD BE THERE FOR YOU ESPECIALLY NOW IN YOUR SHITTY DAYS OF SHITTY PEOPLE. I LOVE YOU TIGGLY!