long time comin'...

you know those times when so many things around you seem to be "out of whack" and so many people around you have their own things that are "out of whack" and because of this then nobody sees just how "out of whack" the other person actually is. and that leads to even more "out of whack-ness." yeah, i think that is the only explination for my existence these days. and for why i never write in this thing anymore. i think another reason is i'm never alone and then even when i write in this i'm not alone because i know that atleast one person in this world will read it. i miss my days of easy penning in my paper journal. i used to do it with such ease and confidence. once again this was my choice wasn't it... but i may have to go back to the old school.

i had an odd christmas this year. i feel like i rushed through all of it so fast trying to just get through it and get out alive. but of course thats how i always feel when i go home for family functions. and no matter how hard i try mom will never fully understand why i only claime her and chad as my actual family. don't get me wrong i love my grandma doris and ray, i love larry and nancy and brenda. but the truth is i never feel completely comfortable and never have. even as a child i had huge anxiety going to family functions. sure those anxieties were killed by the thought of presents if any where to be had and, one of my biggest joys in my childhood, food. but there was always so much bickering and yellng and fighting going on before, during and after every family function. i guess it just lingers around now. kind of like how i get really nervous when ever i hear guys yelling at the sport they are watching on t.v. my heart jumps every time. and every time its as if i have forgotten why. on top of the yelling and fighting and all that i always had to worry about what people thought of me. i was shy as a kid and at times pretty chubby. but no matter how big i was i always went a little bit unnoticed. hell my family used to pass me around and poke my belly after i would drink to much juice or soda because my stomach would get so big and hard. "oh my god thats so funny feel how hard it is, and look how big it is! hahaha!!" but i did it. and possibly even truly enjoyed it because i was getting attention. as i got older i would just say i needed to go home for some reason or another and come back later. i think mom was the only one that ever noticed. and nobody ever knew the tears of pain and relief to not be there that occured when i finally made it to my room. and now that i don't live there anymore i'm no longer aloud to leave early. or duck out and come back later. the amount of guilt my mother makes me feel is tremendous. but i dont mind cause i get to spend time with her. and i hardly speak or get spoken to so what does it matter.

but this year i did the unthinkable. atleast in my mother's eyes. every year since i moved away and i came back for christmas i never spent any time outside of the family. except to go see scott at the theater. but now people my age are graduating and some are actually moving back to creston - god only knows why. so meghan and i decide to hang out because mom was going to kevin's family christmas. so i sat at meghans with her family and we drank wine. then our friend beki came over and we drank some more wine. then our friend beth and abby (who we havent seen since she has been out of iraq or the military or whatever) call and ask us to come over. so we go over and we drink some beers and beth and i talk and download music and the next thing i know its 4:30am. shit i need to get home. so i'm a little drunk and its pretty late but the only thing i was worried about was my moms dog barking cause i didn't want to wake them. well when i get there i put the key in the wrong lock. then less then 10 seconds after i attempt to unlock the door mom opens it and i see the familar dissappointment from the few random times back in highschool in her eyes. i won't go into detail but i get a little lecture about worrying and then when i explain myself i get told i'm too drunk to even talk about it now and to "SLEEP IT OFF!" i go to bed in complete shock of my mothers over reaction. i mean after all i am 25 years old and i'm not used to checking in with anyone or having to come home by a certain time. yes i understand 4:30am is really late but i honestly lost track of time being caught up in conversation with someone i hardly ever get to see anymore. then i get the overwhelming feeling of gulit cause i hate when my mom is upset. and i hate that once again i am the cause of her pain. apparently so much so that she doesn't even wake me in the morning before she goes to work to say goodbye to me. and now, in the 2 or 3 times that we've spoken on the phone since, she waits for me to say i love you when she normally doesn't hesitate to say it first or just however naturally it comes. i guess as a 25 year old former drug addict i should have known not to get drunk when my mother is near. and i should have known not to go out while back home because I make my mother worry too much, because I have addiction problems in my past, because I must be an alcoholic also. i hate that as much as my mother and i are so alike and get along so well she still doesn't understand me. and she never will because these topics are things shes only heard about and never experienced, god bless her. but i also know the truth behind some of her recent sadness. and it kills me too.

the anniversary of josh's death is coming up. i hate this time of year. usually whatever mood i'm in just before the days before gets exaggerated. so if i'm going out a lot around then, then i go out even more, and if i'm staying in a lot, i stay in even more. last year i stayed in. either way i am broken.

enough already, time for some goodness. travis missed his flight back to new york city after christmas so he came and stayed with me for two nights. that was fun but i got to see him so much in one month after not seeing him for over a year i got kind of used to it. so it was sad to see him go. but good to have him here again. hilarious. him and glen have been my personal saviours lately through these holiday struggles.
my slideshow and talentshow c.d. from lat summer at camp finally came. it was so good to see some of those faces again and to see the pictures of my campers and all of the good times that were had. needless to say i cried.
brokeback mountain finally came to theaters in iowa so i went to that the other night. i loved it. i cried. weird. when i told travis that i cried he said "so, you cry just by standing up." fuckin' hilarious. no trav, not so much anymore. i put susan lucci away these days. well mostly.... ;]
darrel got me little britain for christmas and the zohar. fucking awesome. tow amazing gifts. if you've never seen little britain you must check it out. its great. please. meet vicky pollard....






















isn't she lovely....

alright i'm off. meghan is back in town and we are going to hang. plus she borrowed little britain before she left so i have to get it back!

peace.

love - cody tyler

p.s. i hope eveyone had a wonderful new years.... i did!