again.

So maybe this is the beginnign of a new beginning. how brilliant of me to start working a new job as a subsatnace abuse tech. (it makes me rethink anytime i drink and how much, how often) Maybe it was good that craig fucked me over by being so damn selfish in our relations with eachother. i'm super lonely cuz of craig and because some of my hours prevent me from seeing anyone except fellow employees. lonely enough to make me reconsider the fact that i reconsidered letting myself go. losing myself. apparently anyway. soemthing i NEVER do with people i date anymore, blah blah blah... but i do still fantasize about us, even after our short lived affair. it would be diffrent if i didn't know he liked me. i know he really does, but routine, habit, and self get in his way. i know this very well, i had a habit of dating the same types. i also know this very well cuz since then i have done some of this exact shit. welll the running part. is this my kharma? is the universe getting back at me by making me fall for the bittersweet more vocal version of me? Cuz lord knows i never built things up the way he did. i slipped the other night. we texted, i called, i went over for a couple hours. we fought urge, liking and temptation to not touch, not hold. until the very end then i said i had to go. "why?' cuz i had to. so now what with him, with me, with our situation that is mostly mine. its not him. hes not it. i deserve some equality. shit anyone does. i should hook him up with mitchel or neil. i had the same thing in common with all of them - i was in it for them, they were in it for them. same goes with craig. what sucks is that i know that if he just showed
me one time where i saw him try... i would probably be fucked more so than i am in this right now. and i'm probably doing it to myself tonight to. my fault, my mistake, my correction later on.

love ~ cody tyler

its not my business to decide how good you are for me, how valuable you are, or what the world may see, only that you try to understand me - and have the courage to love me for me.

~ mrs. ritchie