they say that when you are having a heart attack that it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest. well i think i feel the equivilant. if anyone knows what it feels like to be buried alive that is what i feel like these days. finding my only comfort in food, music and in very limited alone time. one of my best friends has just left for rhode island. a friend that other than when i was in north carolina the last two summers was always near. we are no longer near. she is there i am here and soon i will be in north carolina. and thats another thing. north carolina cannot come soon enough. and i know that i will not last til the end of july. thanks to my future roommate and my present i will most likely be moving much sooner. thank god.
i supported my brother in coming out to our father and it went unnoticed. i got told i was the inconsiderate one and he is the considerate one and that it was his moment. and he was going to continue to be the considerate one cuz thats who he's always been. then moments later he told me that it wasn't his moment, his moment was writing the letter but the letter had been sent so it was dads moment now.... i asked why cant his other son be part of his dads moment instead of being a whole other hard difficult moment 3 months down the road and i was yelled at and told of how i am wrong and how i always turn everything into and or about me. all i did was support my older brother. i wrote about it, i talked about how proud i was to my friends to my mom to everyone. yet i was told i was inconsiderate and reminded of how i am wrong. but! and i put the exclamation there cuz....even though i was told these things it made me realize some important things that i most likely already knew. my brother does not know me. never has. and my brother always has a reason to tell me how i am wrong or not enough. the only time he hasn't was when i told him i was a drug addict. it was the only time he had no advice. no reason to contradict himself by saying. "never let anyone tell you how to live your life...but don't do this cuz i already tried it and it didn't work out and don't do this cuz its bad....blah blah blah." i tried to make him aware of this but as usual and like many times before he did not hear me, and for the first time made me feel lower than i have ever felt by saying " see... you are making it about you." when all it started out to as was me being proud of him. but turned out as him trying to tell me to lie to myself and others in ANY situation, cuz he clearly does not know me the way most people know me. but.... i have since met with my father i have since hung out with my father and the subject was never brought up. if it had been, sorry chad - i do not lie anymore and i would not have then, but it wasn't, so .... take from it what you will. i'm just still completely confused as to how someone so close yet so far away from me can not know me at all. when i have been nothing but honest with him, when all i have ever wanted was to feel my actions where appreciated, and if not appreciated understood. but mostly i have always wanted my older brother to approve. and i did not feel that in this situation. its not all his fault cuz he doesn't fully understand exactly what i am going through on this end and if i tried to make him understand he might try to tell me i was making it about me.... but look back into further entries and there seems to be a pattern of how i can't express myself anymore cuz once i do i am shot down and made to think that my .... whatever you want to call them.... don't matter cuz everyone around me has something worse going on. well guess what. everyone needs someone to listen to them every now and then. thanks mom, for being that one.
and i am sure i can be labeled many different ways for this entry but... its been a long time comin' call me dramatic, call me what you will. but keep in mind this is my journal, it is my honest rant, my honest thought. Whether it be word vomit or beautifully written. its me and my thoughts. my feelings.
peace.
love ~ cody tyler means
3 comments:
Remember that when anyone says something like "You're making this all about you" to you, the real issue is that it's not at all about you, it's about them. At least they think it should be. Don't take it personally. Realize that, had you done what you wanted and "piggybacked" on your brother's announcement with your own, he may have seen that as stealing his spotlight. I suspect that's the real issue here. Whoever's telling you that you're being inconsiderate is, in my opinion, projecting their own lack of consideration for others' (especially your own) feelings onto you. How convenient for them!
I think the "issue" at hand (gay) is too personal to tell you what or who was right or wrong in a situation like this. I have no idea what it may be like for either of you or your stuggles and I think everyone involved should remember that.
To take the sting out of the situation entirely--it may be best to put yourself in you father's shoes and let it rest there. You two have had your entire adult lives to face this and "go through" it, he only has had a few days. You can never be in someone's head, but you can try hard to be compassionate and service them with the benefit of the doubt. It is wise to think about the intention behind the action.
There is absolutely no "spotlight" with this issue and the second you start to think there is one, is the second you start to act "dramatic" and move the focus away from trying to love and understand those around you.
Said with love,
Carrie
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