so here i sit struggling to stay awake during yet another/yet my last overnight at mecca. hooray for no more overnights!
sometimes i get really pissed at myself for not being able to be in two places at one time. stupid, i know. but earlier while i sat at my "job" basically doing nothing at all, a friend calls the crisis line knowing i would pick up. my friend is sobbing. and i feel a prick in my chest. we talk for a little bit, he calms down for the most part and agrees to call back if he needs to. i hang up the phone and feel another prick in my chest. this prick is a prick of guilt cuz i wasn't there. a prick of guilt because i sit here doing nothing when someone i care about needs me. it is out of my hands right? out of my hands but not out of my mind. or my heart. so i sit and worry in true moma deb form until enough time passes that i realize my friend has probably fallen asleep and finally the prick eases a bit.
i'm still not taking care of myself as well as i should be. but i am doing better. i am taking time for me and i am running. doing better but a little careless. there is just too much going on around me. work needs me, friends need me. i need to be there for both. i want to be there. i broke down over the phone to deb the other day. and by break down i mean full on heavy breathing, crying, mumbled word vomit until i calmed down enough to make sense. what a woman. she called a couple days later early in the morning while i was at work. i was worried something was wrong since she called so early so i promptly checked my voice mail even though i am not supposed while working.
"jus callin' ta see how yur doin' - last time we talked you were kinda' upset. gimmie a call back. love you. bye."
love her.
my brother sent a letter to our father letting him know things that he most likely already knows but maybe didn't want to admit. my head goes back and fourth on this one. sometimes i think my dad could be strangely okay with this news and really be open about it for some reason. but then i see that part where it could easily be a "don't ask don't tell" situation. which is fine with my brother, he will respect his wishes but approaching 30 meant getting it out. letting it go. sending it away no matter what the outcome. for a long while i always said i would tell dad if i knew he wouldn't ever speak to me again. but things are different now. and even before mom knew i often thought that dad might actually take it better than mom. while i was growing up the only other drive besides sports and anger i rememember my father having (well maybe food sometimes too) was sex. there is a part of me that can see my dad kind of thinking, whether he would admit it or not, that "who cares as long as his sons are gettin some!" while mom obviously related it to a lack of grandchildren, and how it was always told to her as wrong. i'm sure shes never taken the time to try and relate that since she is attracted to fit, hairy chested men that one or both of her boys could be attracted to the same thing. she couldn't relate with her desire for a man to be something even possible from man to man. "i just think its gross" she said. to which i replied. "is it gross for two people to love eachother?"
"well no, i guess not."
we are still waiting on dads response. chad called me today (yesterday) while i was napping for my overnight and i haven't been able to call him back. damn candy cell phone! either way, i'm proud of my brother. that explains the one liner entry earlier.
one thing i do assume is that, like what happened with mom, dad will find out about both of his sons first hand right around the exact same time. cuz if he choses to respond positively i'm sure he'll ask if i knew, and i'm sure he'll ask "what about you?"
i'm ready for it.
only 54 minutes until i get to leave here and finally go to bed! oh, and i got a promotion for the rest of the time that i am here. from now on i will be making $1.25 more an hour and i am officially the drug/ua tech. meaning i major in piss tests. the piss nazi, its finally official.
later.
love ~ cody tyler
2 comments:
Great post. People need to hear when they've done the right thing and of course we know he has. I am sure this has made you think a ton about your relationship with your father and how he is going to react when he "finds out", but it is loving, kind, mature and dignified of you to support your brother and remove yourself from it until the question is posed to you. In all of it you know you will have each other.
Great post. People need to hear when they've done the right thing and of course we know he has. I am sure this has made you think a ton about your relationship with your father and how he is going to react when he "finds out", but it is loving, kind, mature and dignified of you to support your brother and remove yourself from it until the question is posed to you. In all of it you know you will have each other.
Post a Comment