.....

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I busted up my foot on Sunday. Sprained it. i can’t run. I can only walk very slow. It makes me a little crazy. And apparently hungry. This happened when I sprained my knee. I gained 9lbs in less then a week. I will not gain weight this time around. That’s just dumb.

So last night Mi ran me a bath with candles and music and baked goods. It was very sweet. He had it all waiting for me when I got home from work. I was supposed to be relaxed, and I was. Relaxed in body but not in mind. My thoughts of course went into over load. We have been to two weddings together. Met each other’s mothers. ( I happened to meet most of his family and he will be meeting my brother in two weeks) We live together and pretty much do most things together except shit and go to work. He has an interview in Raleigh tomorrow. Then leaves for Springfield for another interview and to check out the area for the weekend. And in 4 weeks I move. We finally started to speak about “whats going to happen” last night. Its all very scary for me. I just know how I get when the person I am seeing isn’t around. Thanks to all the wonderful men in my life (insert sarcasm) I am conditioned to doubt. Something I have been working on for quite some time and have made much progress. But with slip ups like josh, and most everyone else I have ever dated, females included, its very easy for me to lose faith and trust. On top of the doubts I already have. Like, has he settled? Is he actually in it for both of us or just mostly him cuz it does tend to be a lot of him. Will he ever admit that he loves to be flattered by the fact that guys are interested in him, will he actually NOT act on it.
The end for right now.
Love ~ me

according to this feeling you are making me feel.... i'm rill tired.

@ the y

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Forgive me; it’s hard to get back into the swing of writing after large breaks.


So I’m sitting here at the Chapel Hill YMCA…. And I just realized half the town knows I am moving. Well everyone except the people from my evening job. I guess I may need to be a little more careful how freely I talk about it since my job doesn’t know. I don’t need to be losing this job. I feel bad about it and I don’t know exactly when I should tell. Should I wait and give 2 weeks notice or let them know ahead of time. Also I need to get my school stuff in order. I may have missed a deadline so I might not get to go until January but that’s ok too. I just need to get on it and make some calls. The whole financial part of schooling intimidates the shit out of me. So many lose ends.

I went to Rochester this past weekend with mi. it was his cousins wedding. I met his entire family, well not his entire family but part of one side of the family. His family is huge. It wasn’t too awkward. I had a good time and he and I didn’t really bicker much, which I thought we would. It was just a bit overwhelming cause even when I am with my entire family there still isn’t as many as his. And my family isn’t so close and hug and kissy. Well maybe they aren’t so close but hug and kissy is just how they are. I was kissed more this past weekend by complete strangers then back in the day. ☺ Ok maybe not. And I was sober the entire time! We were in the car a lot. We shopped a lot. I ate A LOT. At one point I think I was pretty much continuously eating for about 6 hours. No joke. So back to the daily grind and back to trying to eat like a healthy person. But don’t get me wrong the food was good. Except at the wedding that was kind of bad actually. Although, the wedding cake was delicious.

And that’s another thing. I am becoming my mother. Its almost gotten to the point that after I eat any meal I want something sweet. I hate that. I never used to like sweets much. And mi is super sweet about cooking diner most every night but the way the two of us eat we are just encouraging each other to over eat. ☺

Ok. I guess maybe I am done. I know that all day through out the day I think of things I want to write about but when I sit down to do it I forget. Too bad I can’t carry a tape recorder around with me and then just hook it up to my computer and have it write it for me.

Peace.
Love ~ me.

nc strange pt.1

Some strange things since moving to n.c.

1. I hardly see the people I used to associate with North Carolina.

2. I came here to work for the autism society of n.c. and no longer work for them…

3. The host of the first party I went to since living here, and the 2nd gay person I met I am now dating and living with. I actually just met his family… yeah…. Me. It’s still weird to me too. But I normally would not be living with him already but I am moving at the end of the summer and it saves us both money and we were staying with each other all the time anyway.

4. The reason I remember the detail is because I thought he was beautiful.

5. Anna and I used to be like brother and sister but she stopped talking to me because (and this is just how it seemed and from things she said to others) because her girlfriends brother wanted to get with my boyfriend (at the time)

6. Before I moved I said I was going to have a bearded boyfriend when I moved here. I got him. His name was josh. He cheated on me and lied about it. He blamed the “friends” he accumulated during said tryst on his female cokehead best friend’s couch. Then told me a week later he was falling in love with me and wanted me to be his actual boyfriend. then a week later told me he took it back saying, “well what if we want to get to know other people…?” then maybe not even a week later I call him out for hitting on a guy in front of me and he doesn’t like it and apologizes to the guy about me. When I told the guy “who the fuck I was” since he asked he cowered and apologized repeatedly. Then josh threatens to “beat my ass” I ask him what he says and he repeats it so I go inside to make sure it doesn’t happen and he comes in yelling to everyone that I threaten to beat his ass and that I am crazy which makes me flip a cookie since it is a lie and I pride myself on not being a violent. (unless I am hit in the face by and adult without disabilities then I have no control.) Meanwhile the managers are telling me he’s crazy and kicking him out but when they turn around he proceeds to mouth “you’re fuckin crazy” while staring at me and doing the crazy sign with his finger to the side of his head. Oh yeah and then lingered in the parking lot for the next hour and got in the car of my friend thinking he would go with us. Then some nasty delusional texts and then he admitted to doing all of it two days later on my porch with my roommate in her room hearing (whether he knew or not I am not sure) and blaming the whole thing on me being irrational because I called him out. Gross. And then I got rid of my bearded delusional boyfriend.

7. The whole Tim situation. Wow the things boys will say when they are afraid of being alone or trying to compete or realize they are unhappy or controlling or used to getting what they want or spoiled and or any of those other qualities joined with not being able to look within yourself for the answers to your problems. I hope one day he actually tries.

8. I am a paid artist now…!

9. I just may be burnt from human services.

10. I hardly remember camp as being something that happened here. It seems so far away and so much more beautiful to be able to associate it with here.

holy f@*k

it has been a while. and i am not even sure i will post what i am writing at this very moment. so much has gone on that i have not mentioned, not spoken of. changes and the like. mostly good. some bazaar. i have been stupid busy. anyway, i'm pretty sure i will write later. and if not later, i will write tomorrow i am just trying to remember what it feels like so i may need to ease back in. but i definitely want to be back in. and probably need to be. peace.
love ~ me.

Ooh geeez....

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008 --
Good intentions are not enough to keep your mind on the work that is now required of you. Everything that happens seems to be another enticing distraction that prevents you from meeting your obligations. Nevertheless, it's crucial that you demonstrate your ability to come through for someone who matters or there could be trouble later on.

man i got a lot on my plate over the next couple months. maybe i'll write more later if i have some time, i think it would definitely help.

later.
love ~ me

Today's Sagittarius Horoscope: Feb 27, 2008
You always suspected that your job was making you crazy, but it never occurred to you that it could make you sick as well. Is it really worth it, dear Sagittarius? This is the question you may be asking yourself today. You are fortunate to have talents that apply to several professions. Why not take a closer look at what those other professions are? One way or another, it is clear that change is coming. You may as well direct the manner in which it occurs.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are less likely to accept the sensible restraints that are placed on your life now. This is a high-paced period with today's eclipse in your 3rd House of Communication and you don't have time to waste. Your regular party days are temporarily over. Seeking an adventure as a distraction won't work anymore. Instead of wasting valuable resources managing the events of your life, make the most important changes within your own mind.

fuckin no shit right....

really...

so this is what i saw (and snapped a picture of) the morning after my staff christmas party - while in the car with tim ("tooth") as he was taking me back to my car - after i stayed at his house - in his bed- both stripped - right before he told me that he was going to lie to t. about me staying there but let him know we spoke...

really?

really.....

thats the last "tooth" lie i will ever be involved in. thats his problem and always has been, he only tells part of the truth, or what he thinks he should tell. if you really want him back "tooth" why are you sleeping with 20 year olds and getting naked in your bed at your house with me (of all people)? and then making sure you tell me that you will not be telling him... nice. real nice.

i have been kinda struggling with this ever since then cuz he once again sucked me back into his life of lies and deceit... i have been debating whether or not i should tell t. but don't want it to come off as me trying to get back at "tooth" cuz that is not what i would be doing. i worked really hard to get this mess out of my life and tim's lies out of my world and in one night i was sucked right back into them. it would be different had he not made a point to tell me he was going to lie to t. t. and i don't even speak so i don't know why he felt the need to tell me. personally i think he saw how the whole night didn't affect me in a bad way (it was just closure - and really easy for me thanks to all the cats and some other things...ehh....) so he felt the need to gain control and try to hurt me or what he thought would hurt me cuz it had worked in the past.

so hopefully this entry will be enough for my conscience and i won't have to contact t. i just don't want anything to do with their world anymore. especially their world of lying to eachother and trying to one up or hurt eachother.

that's all...

got truth?

love ~ me

Sagittarius:
An event this week
will make you realize what you
like about yourself, and help
you to be less self-critical.

things you need to hear

its not your fault.
i love you.
its ok to be scared.
i love the things people would label as your "flaws"
i get excited when i hear from you.
i think about you.
i miss you.

whats with today - today?

i'm in a horrible mood. so terrible - i am at work and absolutely useless. i had a wonderful weekend in the mountains though with some fan-fuckin-tastic people! more later.
wish me luck- send love ~ me

geeeez what a holiday!

so much to write about. so much joy. so much confusion. so many feelings. so not the right time for me to do it just yet. and it starts with my staff christmas party on the 14th. (its a doozie of a story!) i will write a long hopefully beautiful entry soon. but for right now i will just say a few sentences.

goodbye tobias ( tonight :[ )

thank you milton for a fun (not lonely filled with cats) christmas.

yay for emmy and her graduate booties!

(ugh and those sweaters... millie and in living color...)

thanks clayton for the best damn christmas present ever. (it will take a lot to top that)

thanks amanda for the funnest christmas gift. hell yes.

thanks j.p. for the fun band christmas.

can't wait to talk to darrel later! miss my blindgaymidget so much!

meghan and the things she's done for me, and written to me (especially recently)... wow. this is why we have been best friends for so long - because there is so much more to you than what meets the eye! (i'm glad you enjoy the painting)

travis - i heart the shit out of you and miss you more.

mom - ditto only even more so!

mom and chad - are you coming in february or what?!

i'm exhausted, i'm sad, i'm "elated", i'm confused, i'm happy, i'm excited for whats to come, i'm scared, i am loved. "dig it."

i hope everyone had a jam packed holiday like i did! full of so much joy and so much laughter - even if the joy is confusing and the laughter awkward.

love ~ me

my truths (part 2)

i get lonely in a crowd.

i love being alone.

i hate when you don't respond to me all day.

i had a great birthday.

i hope you understand.

i don't know who i have less respect for you or my father.

i don't understand typical people.

i don't miss being a dumbass.

i hate that sometimes i fall back into some dumbass qualities.

i love being an artist.

i'm sick of josh and tims faces staring at me in my house.

i'm so glad i had that as an outlet though.

its funny how so many people know how they are and talk to others about it but never confront them about it.

why am i always the one to do it.

i miss hanging out with darrel.

i miss the drunken late night conversations with d.

they never felt stupid to me.

sometimes i feel stupid.

sometimes i want to give up.

what i want to give up on i don't know its just a feeling i have.

i just realized i don't get the "i just wanna go home" feeling anymore.

i think that means i finally found my home within myself instead of a location.

or is it north carolina.

i sobbed at kelly because of the memory of my summer not because of tim.

i hadn't realized exactly how dark my summer was.

i have become good at hiding feelings.

i hate that i am good at it.

i really like jem.

he's the nicest person i have ever dated.

i hope he is ok.

i'm so excited to have my apartment to myself for a month.

i'm going to have a show.

i'm nervous about whether i do the right things.

some "friends" in raleigh hurt my feelings when they leave all of the traveling up to me.

i get it, i'm difficult.

i'm trying to be less difficult.

i hate my sexual issues.

i hope amanda remembers talking with me about it.

i adore amanda - i think we are alike in many ways.

i still have the biggest crush on you even though it would be the dumbest thing ever.

i'm still in love with you even though i doubt if it should ever happen.

i am so worried about my health sometimes that it is going to make me unhealthy.

i will be alright.

i could do this all alone.

i don't want to.

i get angry.

i get really scared.

i get jealous.

sometimes i feel like i do things to people to make them behave badly.

i'm scared that i will end up like dad - or (worse?) grandpa.

i realize the flaws in mom.

i still have her on a pedestal.

i cried to "because of you" a little bit because of what it makes my brother think of.

even though we grew up in the same environment and only 3 years apart we had two totally different upbringings.

i realize i am probably repeating things from my last "my truths"

i am excited for my mom and my brother to come see me.

i'm nervous for my mom and brother to come see me.

sometimes i feel too different.

but a lot of the time i am proud that i am different from them.

i hope they enjoy my differences the way i enjoy theirs - and our likenesses.

i scared that i am broken beyond repair from the men in my life.

the thought that i might not be gay is becoming more of a reality.

or maybe i just have permanently separated sex and love.

maybe i am a-sexual.

i'd rather you just be there then bring me anything or do anything for me.

sometimes if you do things for me i start to run with it.

i always come around.

you make me feel safe.

i'm scared that you will disappear cuz we haven't had sex yet.

i've been used for sex.

i have used others for sex.

i apologize.

i am excited.

it will happen!

the holidays tend to drive me bananas.

i am not a scrooge.

or a grinch.

i can't balance my self and others around me.

i don't want to be selfish.

i need to be less in some areas and more in other areas.

everyone thinks i am selfish anyway.

they wouldn't think that if they knew my every thought and feeling.

if i were a little less "autistic" about things the people in my life wouldn't be confused about me.

i am an open book. just ask and i am likely to tell you EVERYTHING.

you just have to ask.

my heart is an artist.

my heart hurts.

i care too much that it looks like i don't cuz i get overwhelmed.

i gotta go.

i wanna keep going.

i need to call my father.

i don't want to call my father.

i need to truly speak to my father.

if he denies, gets angry, makes excuses i am afraid that will be my the last straw.

i don't need to be a good son.

a good father comes first.

one day i will not expect this from him.

i just need a sincere apology and more importantly confession.

i hate the word sorry.

you took the fact that i told you i never want to hear you say you were sorry ever again quite literally and never spoke to me again.

you told sarah you don't hate me.

you are a fuckin idiot for speaking to sarah about it.

why have i always dated guys exactly like my father.

if i wanted pussy i should have stuck with girls.

i have changed that but it is difficult for me to change the fact that i deserve better.

i'm pretty sure thats why i'm scared to have sex with you.

aside from the fact that i have been conditioned to think thats all anyone wants.

there are few people that love me for me.

i can list them all on my hands.

i won't do that because i will hurt others feelings.

i don't want to hurt others feelings.

sometimes i hurt others feelings but never on purpose.

i don't know how to shut up.

i'm learning.

at least i am not phony.

at least i don't present myself to be this perfect being and then turn on you.

i could never be beating the shit out of you physically and emotionally and then answer the phone in the middle of all of it as if nothing were wrong then hang up and continue.

i could never be so hurtful and then so easily say hi to you with a shit eating grin when i see you. you will always see the emotion on my face.

the last three scenerios are exactly alike to me.

that scares me about a person.

i hate that i can't hide my emotion soemtimes.

ok. i'm done.

i love that i got to see claire over t.day.

it was nice.

i want to hang out with my iowa peeps.

you still haven't gotten back to me.

i miss iowa city a little bit.

i miss des moines a little as well.

i can't wait to see mom!!

i need to clean my apartment.

shit i am meeting my new roommate in ten minutes.

this time i am really done. ;)

love ~ me

Hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving!!

--
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This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

to an old friend, an old soul

i was searching my sent mail on here and on myspace cuz i have a memory of sending you a reply but i cannot find it anywhere.... so if i have said all of this already - sorry for the repeat. if not i thought i did a week or so ago. don't worry you are not the only one i have had to send one of these emails to so you know its nothing personal.

things are good here. very good. check out my art album on my myspace profile, thats what i have been trying to do mostly outside of work and trying to remain social. its going very well. very well actually it still surprises me. i'm in desperate need to go back to school to surround myself with like minds and get my a.hole out of this dead end field that is starting to only bring me down cuz everyone who works in it is miserable. still love the a-team and always will but i always said when i started letting the rest get to me or started to forget the reason i was doing it was my time to be out. its only fare to the a-team if i do. so i'm on the outs. don't get me wrong i have a sweet gig. just time to bounce and time to follow passions and dreams. i think 27 years of stalling is enough, don't you? ;)so i have applied to some schools and all that for the fall of 08. wish me luck. (and money-ha!) i just am really craving being surrounded by people who inspire and feel the same or are working towards something and not just working cuz they have to. anyway so back to the art.... i'm in full on art mode right now. hoping to get together enough for a small show before i leave here. and i am working on a website as well. along with a myartspace and a myspace art page. just to get my shit out there. if you know anyone that needs anything commissioned send them my way! ;)

i'm seeing a very sweet man. he sees my art (some of the less positive) and kind of gets it and doesn't get jealous or upset about the topics (since a couple are of ex's) and seems to be genuinely interested in me for all of me. and he's understanding about certain issues i have always had that seem to be coming out more lately. you know involving the s.e.x. ;) so thats cool. i'm trying not to fuck it up this time but demons come and demons go... truly hes wonderful though and patient. he's taking me to kelly clarkson in atlanta for my bday. and we are staying in downtown atlanta. the sure way to this small town iowan's heart is through a pop concert! haha! gay i know but i am ridiculously excited about it. her new album is my entire summer. which i have finally come through that darkness and into the light again. god fuckin bless america! probably the darkest most silent period of my life... except maybe parts of childhood. eek!

claire is coming on wednesday to hang out with her sister and me. super excited about that. and my mom and bro are coming in jan/feb. and bro might come for xmas as well. its good cuz i have been in need of some oldschool and familiar so i am hoping this ties me over for a while.

anyway... they are kicking me out so i best be on my way!

kiss i.c. for me. kiss ia for me send mom send money send love and well wishes! haha... ok so you don't have to send all of it! just mom and the money. jk. glad you are doing well! sorry if it did take me a long time to get back to you - its only cuz i have zero memory even thought i thought i may have.
i'm a busy lil bee.

talk to you soon! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

love ~ me
www.codesdabodes.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/codybaba

p.s. i'm posting this on my blog as well! hope you aren't offended.

Claire Comes on Wednesday!!!

Claire comes on wednesday!!!

end scene.

"What you see is not necessarily what you get."

so its finished. what started out to be (and probably still looks like to some) a very sweet intimate painting - has now turned into a very beautiful painting about a sour subject. and by subject i mean who the portrait is of or i guess who he became. from a far its a portrait of a man. with a pleasant look on his face. with exaggerated features making him look gentle and kind almost cartoon-ish. and words behind the face. when you look close its a boy with a seasoned smirk. one that is used frequently to tease the newcomer. rough around the edges. the words behind the smirk are a precious story. spackled and pasted repeatedly the way he spoke them. a web of stories. and only that. stories. but within those lies reveal his truths. trapped underneath the red netting. and a blackened truth hidden within. he knows. i know. and others only think they know. look closer.

i really should have finished this painting much earlier. there would have been less "tooth" entries in this blog maybe. when i finished this painting it was as if my entire world sighed. a whole record doesn't even sound the same anymore. and i feel i have lost some time. but in that time i gained my creativity back. and my passion for it as well. its deserved that i finally got some good out of the situation.

this painting is already sold.

have a great weekend.

love ~ me. (more to come)

until then.

ain't it funny the things we choose to talk about or comment on and the things we over look. we all do this. i am notorious for it when i think it may hurt someones feelings or hurt mine in the long run. things. are. funny.

i will write about my last painting very soon and maybe even post a photo. when i finished it - i closed a chapter. i truly fuckin closed a chapter and i never thought it could feel so damn glorious!

later.
love ~ me

100 reasons why you're still single

check out this link i thought this was kinda funny, some of them anyway.

http://www.radaronline.com/from-the-magazine/2007/08/100_reasons_youre_single_1.php



more later!
love ~ me