my truths. (part one)

*once again - the "you's" in this entry are not all one you.


i am ridiculously hopeful.

i believe in soul mates.

my mother is my platonic soul mate - we have lived many lives together.

i trust too much too soon and not at all - all at the same time.

i am scared.

i loved every one of you. and most likely still do - i love forever.

if i were financially stable enough i would have adopted at least 2 children by now.

if i were ridiculously rich - my mom, my brother and my best friends would be as well.

so would the autism society and easter seals.

i will always be involved with autism but i think i am done working in the field.

i hate driving.

i hate talking on the phone.(most of the time)

i hate when people make me feel bad for not talking on the phone and not realizing that it makes me not want to talk on the phone even more because all you are going to do is talk about how i never talk on the phone and how im an asshole for it.

had i known he was your ex i never would have touched him. i don't do that.

i know that you made out with darrel and travis.

i also know that had i made out with your two best friends i would never hear the end of it. or just never hear from you ever.

i knew you slept with matt while i was home for x-mas.

i am not perfect.

neither are you.

you are bipolar. (believe me - i should know)

i let my nyc crush go down on me right after you and i started dating.

i know a lot of people who think you are a not a very good person.

i know a lot of people who think i am not a very good person.

after you broke up with tyler and we were going to start dating i brought michael home. i was scared.

i trusted you.

because of tim and josh i am absolutely paranoid about everything a person i am dating says, does, or doesn't say or doesn't do.

i have met someone who i am hoping is actually as nice as he presents himself to me.

i'm pretty sure he is.

we make each other smile.

i miss rosa and missy and swap and the old anna.

i want to drop everything and just be an artist.

i'm about to.

i am lucky to be alive.

ever since he died i am constantly worried that i am going to have a heart attack.

i've always felt very different from everyone else.

i'm pretty sure my brother hates me and i have no idea why.

the only family members that i have ever felt cared for me in my entire life is my mom and aunt nancy.

everyone knows your laugh is fake.

i've learned how to play confident even when i am not feeling confident every moment.

i can't do it every time.

i am way more insecure about some things than what i show to you.

i am way more confident about some things than what i show you.

i have an incredibly distorted body image.

i actually have no idea what my body truly looks like until in pictures a couple years later.

people are worried about your alcohol consumption.

i'm worried about my consumption - in general - all around.

the people in my life i care about -sometimes i care about them so much it scares me.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE LIE.

i get it from my mother.

i've made many many mistakes.

i have done good things.

i'm also the first person to admit the mistakes i've made.

i take many things too personal.

i am so much my mother its ridiculous.

i miss my mother.

i miss the ease of friendship between myself and darrel.

and meghan.

and of course travis.

i am probably as close to being homophobic as one gay man can be.

that being said - its only cuz of gay mens obsession with sex.

and drugs.

and their never ending ability to be as shady as hell.

i realize i am putting every gay man into this category and i know its not true. its a generalization.

speaking of drugs, i am so far from drugs at this point in my life (thank fuckin god!) that it feels as if i never did them.

drugs scare me.

i have no regrets.

i don't know the cody from 2000/2001 at all. partially cuz i am not him anymore and partially because i can't remember.

there are certain straight female friends of mine that do not think i am actually gay.

they believe that i will marry a woman.

sometimes i agree.

sometimes i wonder if my brother's is genetic and mine's environmental.

there are things that happened to me in my past that very few people know.

there are plenty of things from my past that many people know.

i'm deathly afraid of going crazy.

and of dying to young.

there are so many things i want to / will do.

i am in love with someone and have been in love with this person for many many years.

i wonder if this is why my relationships don't last.

i wonder if i am actually in love or if its just deep adoration of the greatness this person lets me see.

i know you were in love with me.

i get so many creative ideas during the days at work but by the time i get home all the negative energy and catty bullshit from work sits like a really large backpack and sucks all motivation.

this year has been nuts and very depressing at times.

I AM THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN.

tim hurt me maybe more than anyone else has.

i am finally feeling what its like to get over the fact that our friendship was not a real thing. (on his side)

but i still don't want to believe it.

cuz then i have to believe differently about who he is as a person.

i miss the silliness between me and jon and billy.

i miss betch cake.

i want to sleep for 2 days and would if i could (and also if it wouldn't fuck with my back - cuz it would)

i want to sleep with you at your house this week.

i don't want to self sabotage again.

sometimes i never want to speak to anyone ever again.

i want to tell you that you hurt my feelings when i am not aloud to open up to you about things without you telling me i'm "blowing things out of proportion" or that "not everything is about you" but i am afraid that that is the response i will get.

i let you open up to me about things.

darrel is the best counselor ever ;) (your "exercise is currently in play)

people don't take me very seriously.

thats partially my fault.

i want him to take something seriously - just once - so i remember what i saw in him that made me want to be friends.

i want a family of friends again like i used to have with claire and travis and erin and mitchell and alli.

i'm sad that some of my friends don't care as much as i do.

i'm tired.

i DO NOT want to go to work tomorrow.

i want to stay home and go to weaver street and write and paint and draw.

i want to be a musician.

i will be a musician.