so i called my brother on his bday and me and some of my friends sang to his voicemail. i made sure a cake got to him in nyc from myself and mom in nc and iowa and the only thing i have heard from him since his bday and his trip to london right after was - "so much fun" when i text him while he was over there saying i hoped he was having fun. and this weekend he texts me to ask if i slept with a guy he knows and if the guy bothered to tell me that he used to date my brother. a. if its the same guy yes i did sleep with him. b. he did not tell me they had dated and if he had i would not have done a damn thing with him. gross. which i told my brother almost these exact sentences. and c. this guy must not have told my brother how the entire time i told him of how i admired my brother in so many ways but how i know my brother hates me or disapproves of me for some reason. so fucking what right?
apparently.
although there was a certain phone conversation about 2 julys ago, when my brother was deciding to come out to our father -after my brother had done some questionable things with 2 of my best friends (that i never brought up to him - one being a little more hurtful/important than the other - which he knows) where i was told i was so selfish and so inconsiderate of other peoples feelings.
who was inconsiderate then and who's inconsiderate now.
hey i fucked up in the past and i have been a bitch too but i admit it and i apologized. and that major time i did was one of the very few times if not the only time my brother didn't have something negative to say about me or the way i lived my life. only cuz he had no idea what to say cuz he had no idea what it was like. us males on the means side never cease to amaze me. don't worry i'm not excluding myself from this... but changing names and locations doesn't mean we won't be like them. the never ending means sibling rivalry...
i try. and i have tried hard. but i guess maybe it will never be enough.
but at least i try and thats all i can do.
and so i realease this. and there it goes.
~ me.
3 comments:
I know that you have not had an easy life...especially growing up but I really trully believe that you are an awesome man...very strong...they say what does not kill us makes us stronger!
Cody Tyler--I am reading your blog. Texting sucks. I believe in you as a writer. I am riveted. Thanks for letting me know you are back. Love, Renea.
I don't visit here very often. For this very reason,...
"but how i know my brother hates me or disapproves of me for some reason. "
This is not "KNOWN." This is not "FACT." I do not hate or disapprove. Please don't assign me these feelings.
My apologies for failing to offer up a proper thank you for arranging the cake. The whole cake debacle was out of my hands and I regret not thanking you for having something to do with it. Sorry for that. So, better late than never. Thanks for the singing message and the cake.
As for the boy, you can't hear my voice in a text message. I was just curious and in no way angry especially with you. And, certainly more just disgusted with him. But, it is the second time you have come to NY and not seen me. Ironic that you would run into someone I slept with.
It's water under the bridge.
There is no sibling rivalry Cody. We just aren't that close. Circumstances keep us apart and our lives are different. When we see each other things are great. That is not often. We hardly speak and we hardly see each other. We have never been the brothers who confided in one another. We both use mom for that.
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