i get lonely in a crowd.
i love being alone.
i hate when you don't respond to me all day.
i had a great birthday.
i hope you understand.
i don't know who i have less respect for you or my father.
i don't understand typical people.
i don't miss being a dumbass.
i hate that sometimes i fall back into some dumbass qualities.
i love being an artist.
i'm sick of josh and tims faces staring at me in my house.
i'm so glad i had that as an outlet though.
its funny how so many people know how they are and talk to others about it but never confront them about it.
why am i always the one to do it.
i miss hanging out with darrel.
i miss the drunken late night conversations with d.
they never felt stupid to me.
sometimes i feel stupid.
sometimes i want to give up.
what i want to give up on i don't know its just a feeling i have.
i just realized i don't get the "i just wanna go home" feeling anymore.
i think that means i finally found my home within myself instead of a location.
or is it north carolina.
i sobbed at kelly because of the memory of my summer not because of tim.
i hadn't realized exactly how dark my summer was.
i have become good at hiding feelings.
i hate that i am good at it.
i really like jem.
he's the nicest person i have ever dated.
i hope he is ok.
i'm so excited to have my apartment to myself for a month.
i'm going to have a show.
i'm nervous about whether i do the right things.
some "friends" in raleigh hurt my feelings when they leave all of the traveling up to me.
i get it, i'm difficult.
i'm trying to be less difficult.
i hate my sexual issues.
i hope amanda remembers talking with me about it.
i adore amanda - i think we are alike in many ways.
i still have the biggest crush on you even though it would be the dumbest thing ever.
i'm still in love with you even though i doubt if it should ever happen.
i am so worried about my health sometimes that it is going to make me unhealthy.
i will be alright.
i could do this all alone.
i don't want to.
i get angry.
i get really scared.
i get jealous.
sometimes i feel like i do things to people to make them behave badly.
i'm scared that i will end up like dad - or (worse?) grandpa.
i realize the flaws in mom.
i still have her on a pedestal.
i cried to "because of you" a little bit because of what it makes my brother think of.
even though we grew up in the same environment and only 3 years apart we had two totally different upbringings.
i realize i am probably repeating things from my last "my truths"
i am excited for my mom and my brother to come see me.
i'm nervous for my mom and brother to come see me.
sometimes i feel too different.
but a lot of the time i am proud that i am different from them.
i hope they enjoy my differences the way i enjoy theirs - and our likenesses.
i scared that i am broken beyond repair from the men in my life.
the thought that i might not be gay is becoming more of a reality.
or maybe i just have permanently separated sex and love.
maybe i am a-sexual.
i'd rather you just be there then bring me anything or do anything for me.
sometimes if you do things for me i start to run with it.
i always come around.
you make me feel safe.
i'm scared that you will disappear cuz we haven't had sex yet.
i've been used for sex.
i have used others for sex.
i apologize.
i am excited.
it will happen!
the holidays tend to drive me bananas.
i am not a scrooge.
or a grinch.
i can't balance my self and others around me.
i don't want to be selfish.
i need to be less in some areas and more in other areas.
everyone thinks i am selfish anyway.
they wouldn't think that if they knew my every thought and feeling.
if i were a little less "autistic" about things the people in my life wouldn't be confused about me.
i am an open book. just ask and i am likely to tell you EVERYTHING.
you just have to ask.
my heart is an artist.
my heart hurts.
i care too much that it looks like i don't cuz i get overwhelmed.
i gotta go.
i wanna keep going.
i need to call my father.
i don't want to call my father.
i need to truly speak to my father.
if he denies, gets angry, makes excuses i am afraid that will be my the last straw.
i don't need to be a good son.
a good father comes first.
one day i will not expect this from him.
i just need a sincere apology and more importantly confession.
i hate the word sorry.
you took the fact that i told you i never want to hear you say you were sorry ever again quite literally and never spoke to me again.
you told sarah you don't hate me.
you are a fuckin idiot for speaking to sarah about it.
why have i always dated guys exactly like my father.
if i wanted pussy i should have stuck with girls.
i have changed that but it is difficult for me to change the fact that i deserve better.
i'm pretty sure thats why i'm scared to have sex with you.
aside from the fact that i have been conditioned to think thats all anyone wants.
there are few people that love me for me.
i can list them all on my hands.
i won't do that because i will hurt others feelings.
i don't want to hurt others feelings.
sometimes i hurt others feelings but never on purpose.
i don't know how to shut up.
i'm learning.
at least i am not phony.
at least i don't present myself to be this perfect being and then turn on you.
i could never be beating the shit out of you physically and emotionally and then answer the phone in the middle of all of it as if nothing were wrong then hang up and continue.
i could never be so hurtful and then so easily say hi to you with a shit eating grin when i see you. you will always see the emotion on my face.
the last three scenerios are exactly alike to me.
that scares me about a person.
i hate that i can't hide my emotion soemtimes.
ok. i'm done.
i love that i got to see claire over t.day.
it was nice.
i want to hang out with my iowa peeps.
you still haven't gotten back to me.
i miss iowa city a little bit.
i miss des moines a little as well.
i can't wait to see mom!!
i need to clean my apartment.
shit i am meeting my new roommate in ten minutes.
this time i am really done. ;)
love ~ me
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