i feel like a version of myself - and ramble thought.

get ready, its a pretty negative sounding one! but remember - i'm the judge of just how negative it actually is.
but apparently people have a problem with honesty. on their end and with my honesty. it hurts that people vanish when they don't get what they want from you. or they slightly turn on you just cuz they want to sleep with someone and don't want to mess up their chances. or because you have a serious side and you no longer fit the character they set in their mind for you in the movie of their life. so 2009 is the year of change. and some people have no idea how much change for me - but that is because there is no one i can tell of the change. there are few and they know who they are cuz they already know. i can't tell anyone else cuz there will be judgment, hard looks and swagger that says "well look at me now, i'm better than you" or that's not my problem i have no solution for you types. or, they really just don't care enough for me to tell them - that way i won't have to see their fake positive reaction or their "southern hospitality" for some. i think what it is is that i was trying to get back on track on so much after mi that i feel into a trap of just gettin by, hangin out, etc etc. and now that i'm well and done and over with it i am absolutely bored with the life that was created by it. i don't want to just go to work, go out and get drunk with my awesome friends, and go back to work. i want to do things again. i want to have adventurous friends again. people that care about people and the world and people that experience nature other than walkin to a bar or to their car. people that do shit during the day other than a hungover brunch and maybe shopping. and i do have those friends, its just that they are not in durham. a couple are in chapel hill but they are easily distracted, a couple are in charlotte, the rest are spread out from iowa, nyc, texas, florida and even spain. don't get me wrong i still want to go out and shake my ass and get a bit drunk but i want more. if family guy was here i'm sure we'd do more. hes coming to visit the end of feb. but just a visit. so another teaser like when i went home ;) maybe ill go to charlotte soon. as a matter of fact maybe ill email my peeps now. i'm out. i feel better. change has and will come.

love ~ me

-it's not my business to decide how good you are for me, how valuable you are, or what the world may see. only that you try to understand me, and have the courage to love me for me. -

-poor is the man who's pleasures depend on the permission of another. -