And I Remember....

so i reluctantly went down memory lane this evening while packing some of my things. i came across a photo album in my search to find a few random photos. it was around the time of my 21st birthday. there is a lot of things around that time period that i do not remember but for some reason i remember almost every moment of the day my 21st year in this thing we call life. despite how wasted i got or how "sober" i got when i got too wasted. i remember the entire evening.

i remember getting ready to meet up with all of my friends to go to jakes for there "21 pitchers for 21 dollars" 21st b.day special. i was listening to the most recent nodoubt album at the time...a certain song actually was played more than once cuz it reminded me of my friend jason (who i miss so much) from L.A. i was running late cuz my roommate darrel and a friend of his decided to go out at midnight the night before for my birthday and that was a "just alcohol" night so i was horribly hung over, and i had to go to work that day and fight passing out the entire time. so i showered and all that good stuff, picked out a half assed outfit and swallowed a bunch of efedrin [sorry claire i'm sure you don't want to hear that]to get me through until i was drunk enough that i "had" to do coke. i say had cuz thats what i was telling myself at the time, that i had to do it cuz i get too drunk. i remember the fear i had while standing in front of the mirror asking myself if i could do this again. if i could put my body through this. if i could stand my birthday (they are touchy with me, right claire) if i could be nice to everyone that showed up. if i would get wasted like i wanted to. if i would be able to get as much coke as i wanted later. or hopefully sooner. if i would have to pay for ANY of it since it was my birthday. who i would have sex with that night or if i would care to even do the deed when it got to that point of the night. these things might not make you think fear, you might think i'm a party guy he just wants to have a good time. but thats not what i was feeling. thats what i was telling myself, and thats what people thought of me -i think- but the only thing i felt those days, at that point (which only got worse before it got better) was fear. ultimate fear. unbearable, hide it with anything you can run straight for the bottle-straight for the mirror type of fear. and thats what i did. i had completely lost myself. and its a horrible feeling when i think back to it. absolutely heartbreaking. but i do not regret it. i will never regret it. if i regret anything it is that it took burrying a friend for me to snap out of it and take hold again. thank you josh.

i remember.... cody