i just can't....

so last tuesday i went to work for the first time. the first time that involved the house and the workshop.
so i started at the house and was shown how to serve them breakfast and all that. i met the clients which all were equally interesting. with 2 of them being absolutely adorable on top of interesting. htose 2 i figured would be the ones that relations would advance quickly and they were over the course of the day. first off, the staff that were there training me did not say one good thing about any of the clients. all i heard was, so and so is horrible, he has behaviors all of the time, don't stand within reaching distance of her cuz you'll get beat up, you'll definatley have to use physical restraints and holds on them. not one nice thing about any of these clients who were all sitting right there while the other staff talked shit of them. instantly my heart was cracked for these misunderstood and most likely mistreated individuals....human beings. i go to the workshop and find out i am assigned to a jobsite and one of my clients from my house goes along too. along with one of the staff from my house. we basically sat on our asses while the consumers did work that took absolutely no effort to find for them i'm sure because it took them absolutley no effort to do the work. i used to my job in iowa city where we found some of these guys some amazing jobs for being people with disablities. right away the girl that works at my house also starts talking about how bad it is at behavioral technologies. then she starts talking about how much everyone talks shit about everyone and how someone has already came up to her and said, "the new guy is as gay as gay can be....its in his walk, his talk, everything"

awesome.

its my first day and there are only 3 people i have actually spoken with for more than a minute at a time and this is what some ignorant adult women has to say. awesome. i can tell already that this is the place i am going to love working. so all day long i am realizing how much i took for granted working with my guys in iowa city and even at mainstream. i'm on the verge of tears all day long because i see a total of maybe 2 people that actually have positive relationships with any of the consumers. i'm on the verge of tears all day long because i have never worked for a place that uses physical restraints or holds let alone encourage them the way they do at behavioral technologies. they hardly encourage redirection or talking down. redirection and talking down is what i do, its what i have always done. if i worked with a consumer that has behaviors i understood that i could possibly get beat up. and there were many times i did get beat up. i get home and claire is in my parking lot waiting for me (god bless america - cuz i needed someone at this point) i unload the story of my day to her and just start crying.

the next day i go through the motions at work listening to there heartless words and conversations, wanting to slit my wrist twice for even being associated with the place. i come home, a little more angry than sad this time but i still cry. but that night i didn't have to work the next morning so i drink. perfect solution right, yeah i know - i know.

i go in on friday, one of the clients gets sick and i am chosen to stay home with him. he hangs out til 11am and then passes out in his room while i sit on my ass watching t.v. thankful that i am bymyself and don't have to listen to all of the bullshit, and the bullshit stories of how when there hasn't been a behavior the long for one so they can have some action. action meaning physical restraints, holds....takedowns. sick! the actually want the clients to get upset so they can rough 'em up. i can't do this.

i go to work on sunday and work with one of the nicer people that work there. a really tall, kinda' cute, mild bible beater with a girlfriend. he teaches me nothing about working at the house and whenever he talks to me he looks at me weird and puts his hands under his shirt and rubs his chest and stomach, lifting his shirt just above his little happy trail and fingering the elastic of his underwear. it was kinda' hot, kinda' seductive, super weird, especially when he started talking about the bible study he attends downtown with his girlfriend..... yeah, weird.

anyway, i was supposed to go in today at 7am. after talking about it with my friend lyle* and almost crying because i wanted so bad to have nothing to do with the place, and the alarm accidently noyt going off i realized that it was not worth it to put myself in that much mental and emotional strain. really though, i don't want o get to the point where someone has a behavior and the person i am working with is expecting me to treat the consumer the way everyone else does, i don't feel comfortable talking to anyone there about anything i might have a problem with - they would probably laugh in my face and talk about how much of a pansy fag i am behind my back. they are lucky i don't get them with sexual harrassment. they are mean and heartless and i can't believe their orginazation exists. ijust can't...

so i have an appointment to talk with the h.r. person at mainstream on wednesday morning and i'm dropping off an application at a place called homestead that works with all people with autism (kinda' like what i was doing in iowa city) which i really hope i get. so we'll see. so still the drama and saga of cody and employment goes on. i'll keep you posted.

lovemewishmeluck ~ co. d.

( '*' refer to "my clean and dirties")