so... for those of you who know me - think really deep and hard about why i may be a little off, lithium or no lithium, right about now. i'm sure some of you guessed it. at least the close ones. monday and tuesday is the anniversary of josh's death. he died from a coke induced heart attack. it was his 2nd or 3rd time doing it, meanwhile i had been doing it all day everyday for the past year or 2. it has been 2 years since he passed. its amazing how easily the guilt comes rushing back.
so this weekend has been kind of difficult because of memory. and it doesn't help that i once again allowed myself to slightly open up (cuz i usually don't at all) to the wrong boy as usual. in his words, "i like you, i like that we talk so easily and i'm attracted to all of that....but i'm not sexually attracted to you." thats right, for those of you that read my clean and dirties, its t.j. to be honest with you, i'm not upset that he isn't sexually attracted to me, i'm just taken aback because no one has given me that line before. i'm used to boys basically saying, "i want to fuck you...i don't give 2 shits about your personality or anything else for that matter."
its so funny cuz the people i spoke with that night - before t.j. told me that - all said...."no, t.j. doesn't fuck with people." if he doesn't fuck with people why didn't he just tell me that from the beginning. and why did he try and string me along and flatter himself with my honesty... my honesty meaning i told him that yes i did actually kind of like him. at first i thought it was all so random. but then when i think back to prior events that evening it all makes sense. at one point in the night he was actually kind of affectionate. which was very weird. as in huggy and stuff. and i notice now it was most likely only because his ex was directly across the table from us. cuz he didn't do it at all the rest of the eve. and he's never really done it before unless we were by ourselves but even then i don't know if i can pinpoint a moment. and i really should have picked up on it when he was mackin' on the pretty boy and originally said he wasn't coming over to the dick bar but then decided to after pretty boy had decided to also. they practically walked in together. i know this may sound like i'm angry but i'm really not. i'm just disappointed. disappointed cuz i once again had expectations that gay guys could act like adults. and he has this site address so he can read this.
so t.j., if you are reading, remember this is my journal, so don't let your head swell too much ;] it only appears that i am really upset. i'm not. the word is dissapointed. in you. but also in me for having expectations that you might be able to be completely honest with me. without me having to force it out of you. and for you being different depending on who is around. or over the phone. but really i'm truly upset about the anniversary coming up so i'm sure some of those emotions might be leaking into the topic of you. by the way, superdad is mine you must give it back, it has sentimental value.:p
anyway, i'm not sure what these next 2 days will bring. i know i'll be fine but i'm sure i'll break down a few times. but thats a.o.k.. last night i stayed out at claire's with just steve. that was nice. it was nice to get away, and it helps that that place is basically in the boonies. it may sound weird but it felt really good knowing that if anyone wanted to get a hold of me they wouldn't be able to cuz they didn't know where i was, or the phone number, and i wasn't at home. i had some nice chill - cody time with steve too. sure i was sad, and i was kinda' lonely. i'm mean we are talking about cody by himself not going out on a saturday night. i would feel that way no matter what mood i was in or what anniversaries were coming up. i did it well though. better than i thought i would actually.
now, anyone reading this, keep an open mind about the way i am going to close this entry. this is me being completley open and vulnerable. its a rare occasion so experience it to its fullest now. there may not be another one. be nice.
thank you josh. i say thank you because you sacrificed your life yet saved mine and a couple others that i know of. i will never forget. and i will never stop talking to you. you are the tension in my left shoulder* that is the only tension that feels absolutely beautiful and painless. the only tension that i never want to get rid of. you are my reminder. you brought me back to myself when i was absolutely lost. i cry because i miss your face. i cry because i miss your voice. but not because i miss you. you never left me.
love ~ cody tyler means
* = don't even try to understand unless i have told you first hand...so claire, you know. jason, of course you know. peace out my loves!
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