Chapters 15 - 18

i saw some high schoolers walking around today and instantly every memory of high school i have (which isn't all of them, some of them are gone forever - oops) flashed in my head. i remember how much i thought i hated my life back then. back before i really even had one. but i was never like most of the other kids in my school who thought high school was it man, the "time of your life" kind of "it." i always knew that high school was going to be soo small in the reality of my life. yes there were some major things that happened that helped mold me into who i am these days. for instance, its when meghan and i arrived in eachother's lives and decided we wanted to stay for a long while. its where i got to practice my first born fantasies of what i now have to call my homosexuality, for lack of a better word or one that is more confusing - like bisexuality. its where i finally realized what i had always known was true: blood may be thicker than water - but that has nothing to do with conflicting personalities. and thats a.o.k. where i knew and finally started practicing the fact that i will do anything for my mother. and how hard it was/is to not be around her at all times. and vise versa from her i'm sure. its kinda' like we've raised eachother in a sense.

but the one memory that slapped me in the face is the memory of my dreams and goals for myself. what i had planned for myself by the age of 23 and what i am at the age of 23 do not match. its hard to deal with, but i'll get by. does it mean i should just give up? no! that would be dumb. give up now after 23 years. see it goes both ways. i know that its just going to take a little longer. and that sucks and it might be harder especially in this "the younger the better" society we are living in. we have so long yet not long enough all at the same time. i believe that if i relax and do what i have to do, get my shit done, fullfill my lifelong passion (if even in the smallest way)then i will be truly satisfied. and then i became excited about my future.

i just wish i had patience for more than just children and people with disabilities.

i'm out.

i love you all, whoever you may be ~ cody tyler