alright so my friend chris in iowa city emailed me and wondered what was up and all that so this is part of it. i just pasted it cuz its what i would have written about anyway.
i admit my blogs have been few and far between and rather effortless entries at that but i'm going to make a conscious effort to change that cuz i knew it and it bugs me. it makes me realize how much creativity i have lost since lithium came into play. i used to write a lot before then, and i used to write creatively and thoughtfully. but these days who knows what i fuckin' write about. basically i am in a weird place right now where half of me is wanting to get "back to myself" and knows that i so desperately need to. but that old familiar shallow surface selfishness has crept back in to my life. i kind of feel similar to the way i felt right before i stopped doing coke all day every day. only its different this time cuz i'm not for sure abusing a certain substance. i'm just abusing myself in the sense that i refuse to deal with anything and i run in ways of bar, friends, boys, bullshit financial situations. in a way i guess you could say that cody and i haven't really sat down and had a conversation in a while. thank you for bringing it up. as much as i avoid it no one ever really asks either. not that they are obligated to.
i'm really struggling with trying to be nicer cuz i used to be a big bitch. but the gay community here hates me. they are so mean to me and i have not done one damn thing to them. its really weird cuz the iowa city gay comm. is much bitchier, but i guess to them i am familiar, i am a foreigner in my on town here. i have always tried to see people for what they are even when i was a bitch. and i often wonder if i am the only person, or atleast the only gay guy, that realizes there is so much more than this. i like to call them "surface fags" in private. cuz the only thing they ever worry about, think about, or remotely care about, is all at the surface. and since i refuse to play there hopscotch i am an outcast. a freak that just so happens to be the only one in the bar that is actually comfortable in his skin and isn't faking it. i have no defense mechanisms. (well when it comes person to person, serious relationships are a whole other 3 part story) i don't waste my time in sticking up for myself when they don't approve of my outfit or my hair. and they don't understand that. i guess i am like a unicorn to them. one that they hate because they don't understand. (check out my signature, it kind of goes with that)
weird thing is. i like living in des moines. after all this, i still would prefer it over iowa city.
my shit is finally starting to come back together though. i have a job that i don't mind. it pays....enough. the hours are acceptable (2-9pm). i just have to wait for the money to start coming in. i only get paid once a month and that kinda' sucks but hey atleast rent is guaranteed. i live with my good friend sarah, whom i love living with but yes i will admit i would much rather live with claire and steve - no question about it. i never had any intentions of living in des moines without claire. but the 2 aren't even comparable. i can't compare living with sarah with living with claire. its too opposite ends of the line. both works out equally as well. and my rent is THE cheapest rent i have ever paid so thats kewl.
my friend tanner and i(who i am sure you have heard in my blogs) have quickly over the past 2 months become even closer and closer. i love him and i am truly appreciative of him. and that poses another problem in the gay comm. they don't understand how 2 gay guys can get along as well as we do and hang out as much as we do and not be having sex. every guy that i remotely start to date asks if we're fucking and is obviously intimidated by him and our relationship. be happy that you are straight. boys that want to be girls are far worse than any girl, period or no period.;]
lovens and stuff ~ codesdabodes
"when people are afraid of you and your ideas... they will try anything to get rid of you!!"
~ m.
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