so chicago was fun! i had such a good time. i miss most of them so much! it hurts to think about. travis. i love that kid. and erin too. crackin' my shit up around every corner. laughter and a lack of sobriety. but in that fun way. the good way. i had an excellent time. i didn't want to return. back to the bullshit i call work and social life. social life, hah! thats hilarious. "vandango..."
here are my thoughts as they are happening.
so much wasted. time. sobriety. love. the love for all of them that gets sent back. but in a "return to sender" sort of way. but not all of them that day. i loved seeing them. i love laying around with them. talking with them being with them. they have no idea of the depth. even when i try to vomit it into words. we drink. we drank. we drunk. we loved. we laughed. i missed. even though they weren't gone. even though i was right there. and so was he. once every six months doesn't cut it. i miss. i missed. i'm missing. never wanted to come back. didn't want to stay there. the drive could have kept existing and i would have been fine. fine because i wouldn't have to deal. fine because comfortable with her. wouldn't have to repeat myself. to the one that just doesn't understand. the one that makes me cry. the one that has no idea what he is doing. what he has already done. i thought you knew me better than that. you say we do. they say we do. they say they do. action boys we want action. a.c.t. i.o.n. action. return. were not supposed to live for the return. but expectations get in the way. heard from an old one. adore. old one adored. confided in me. you. me. of all people to confide in today. appreciation for it. and yes you shouldn't regret. we could have been brothers, remember. i smiled at a memory. i just did. now back to missing. still missing. over an hour of tear earlier was far too much. sleep. i should be right now. i haven't for atleast a week. an hour here. an hour there. breaking down. my body is shutting down even after my heart has been ripped out of my chest. response to a letter? i mean the world to them. they would do anything for me. both of them. right? feelings? thoughts? defeat. colapse. i felt it tonight. felt it in my bones. muscle. chest. for sure the chest. i love you. i would do anything for you. words words and more words. by the way....words. words. maybe statements. maybe true. maybe false. still just words. love. turn it upside down. see how uncomfortable it looks. riight. i love them. all of them. even the recycled ones. i still do. and the newly becoming recylced ones. and then the rest of you that are left. i adore. i gush for you. i take you seriously. i love you. i'll lay down. and these thoughts will keep going. no publishing in bed. that would be a long babbling blog. wish i could shut them off with my computer. get some sleep. look my age. i love you all, i do i do i do. kisses, and hugs to all of you. kabalah calling. resting postion calling. tomorrow waiting. too closely. flat tire waiting? smell of skunk waiting? god i hope not. by the way i went to the zoo. i became a child. full of delight because of them animals. cute and squish. pet and play. awe. aminals. goodnight right? sleep tight? love. love. love.
me
No comments:
Post a Comment