simple as that. remember when i said there was a person who was being shady that reads this and i wasn't sure if i should write about the subject considering he may read this and has the potential to blow it out of proportion even more so than i will. well fuck it, its on my mind so here goes.
first off i would just like to mention that i am in a very vulnerable and insecure state these days becasue of a love and life situation with someone so i admit i'm making more out of it than there is but the shade is there simple, pure, and true. its there.
there is this boy that i started to date a little while back....i say started cuz it really went nowhere and only lasted maybe a week. well my friend tanner and this guy were always on speaking terms before i came into the picture. but not like call and meet up speaking terms. well suddenly a couple weeks ago this boy starts calling and text messeging tanner all of the time and meeting up with him. i find it a little odd that he is calling tanner now. he even asked tanner if he would like to have dinner with him and when tanner mentioned it was kind of weird because of me. he half jokingly said "we don't have to tell anyone." sick. joke or not. don't get me wrong i have no problem with them being friends. its just the timing that makes it so shady. and his intentions that i doubt being good and genuine. and it kinda makes me feel gross about things. and what really pisses me off is that it makes me doubt one of the only gay guys i usually have no reason to doubt. i would write what tanner has said about it but the other gay might read this and i don't want to cause any waves in their budding friendship. and honestly i don't care....its just the way the whole thing is going down. i'm very protective of tanner. and this other gay has no idea of who tanner is and the spectacular being he has become. my problem is mostly because shade and gay are too frequently side by side.
who knows???
i haven't participated in the gay communtiy hardly at all in des moines these days. and i am a.o.k. with that. i'm somewhat in the process of falling of the face of the gay earth here. and i doubt i'll be missed...which is fine cuz there isn't too much if anything about it that i'll miss. there are a few people out there that i will rarely see now and thats too bad but oh well, i guess. i'm just really feeling staying at home these days. besides the ones that matter have my number and can call me if they so desire. i'm sure my answering machine will remain free of anyone besides tanner, claire, mom, and friends from out of town.
so claire and i are going to chicago for my friend erins b.day this weekend. it will be fun. it will really be good to just spend time with claire. i think i'm a little unbalanced because of a lack of that superwoman. i hate thinking about the fact that we live in the same town and see so little of eachother. it breaks my heart. it will also be fucking excellent to hang out with travis again. i miss that boy so much. we used to spend every day together. and now we rarely see eachother. i think we are leaving on friday. yea! i'm so excited about it. i have not been in des moines during a weekend for almost a month now.
awesome.
darrel moves back down here to finish blind school in two weeks. that weekend i will be going out and participating in the gay community in des moines. but only because darrel and eric are going to be in town. it will be nice to have darrel in the same town as me....for five whole months even! i love that kid. he keeps me grounded in a way that makes me feel good about myself. he's amazing. he asked me to live with him again in august. i would absolutely love to live with him again....but it would have to be in iowa city. that part i'm not so sure about. i wish he could live here in des moines but he is going to grad school in august in iowa city so....
i spent this past weekend with my friend jason from l.a. we basically just laid around and ate and watched t.v. it was nice. i miss him more than he'll ever believe. i love him. but i remain a chicken shit. verbally that is. email worked...on my end. now i wait for his end.
i should get going. i've started reading the kabbalah again and i'm longing to be consumed by it. it just fits. but i keep losing track of it. its the "duh" of spirituality for me. because i find myself saying that word so many times while reading it. i highly suggest that everyone look into it. ;]
things i miss right now: mom. claire. jason. me at this time last year. honest people. productive actions.
things i am proud of right now: me. my change in nonproductive action. my change in distructive actions. positve realization.
weird, i know. but i felt it - so i wrote it.
love ~ cody tyler
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