Oh Father.

so my father and i met up last sunday. it turned out suprisingly well. we didn't argue anyway. i was looking at my first online diary and i decided to paste this entry in to chapter 23. it was the beginning of my father and i talking again. it was also while i was visiting my friend jason in l.a., who i spent the weekend with in iowa city this weekend. ;]

anyway, dad wants it to go faster but i told him it will not. and if you pay attention to the last paragraph of the entry. i must say i am proud of myself because i was pretty much successful at doing what i said i would do. well, here it is........

(by the way, this is cody showing vulnerability, for all you non-belivers of cody showing such a side....its true, i am known to do so from time to time.)

so here i am in l.a. fine and dandy and jason plays a messege from my mother for me. i call my mom and she tells me the news.

news that i never thought would affect me the way that it had. news that along with every other kind of "news" from my father's side of the family that involves drama bullshit. news that my father and my uncles are not supposed to know about until it is printed in the paper. but it is a very small town...they will find out. my grandfather on my father's side died this morning. always pegged as the craziest (yet, i still beg to differ)in the family he spent the past 10 years, after the divorce with grandma in and out of every kind of hospital and home. i always just kind of agreed with everyone. i mean he did have his mental problems and yes they were worse than the rest of the families. but it wasn't until recently that i realize his problems were worse, but only in different ways. after all he never sexually molested his neice like my uncle did. or walk in on his kid molesting his granddaughter and just walk out and not do anything about it like my grandmother. he never seriously beat the shit out of his kids to the point where he had to call his father to come and stop him other wise he would have killed them like my father did. he tried more so than any of the other males on that side of the family except for me and my brother. he just didn't understand his illness and for the most part of his life the doctors didn't either. he would have figured it out if he had the resources to, like my brother and i have.

i guess he is finally at ease, mind and soul, atleast i hope so. i hope there is a peaceful place for him to go after death.

i just really wanted to talk to him before he passed. i wanted to let him know that he wasn't the worst of the family. i wanted to ask him questions and seriously listen to him. get some answers about his fucked up offspring. i wanted to understand him and his life. to help him and myself. to let him know that he wasn't completly alone. to show him that someone, whether i was the only one or not, still thought of him from time to time.

i honestly did not think that i would shed a single tear when my "crazy" grandpa ralphy would die but i did. i almost sobbed actually.

i feel incomplete with information. like i payed a huge tuition and the quality of education nowhere meets the amount of money i paid.

i'll be fine. i'll find it somewhere else now. i have a feeling my father and i will be talking soon. on my terms only ofcourse. and with me in complete control. i no longer fear my father's side. within me and outside of me. i will say whatever the hell i want to fucking say. i will be honest. and i'm sure not a damn one of them will understand it let alone appreciate it. for they are ignorant. and i don't just say that in the name calling sense. they honestly have no clue. they live in there own world. and they will just forbid me from entering it. but i will feel fine as long as i say what i need to say. i've lived long without, and i am not missing anything. there are just some things they need to know. whether they take it in or not.