i just got back from eating lunch with my mom and a friend of hers. my mom is so funny. i love her. she's so cool. my moms friend used to work with her when i was younger and she busted out some of moms shit. for instance, mom was worried about me back in the day because of my eating habits and my weight. i was already the fat one anyway. but i never knew my mom was worried about it. its really funny to me though because the time she was worried was around the time when a lot of family members on my fathers side decided to call me fat a lot. and it was because of those family members that i realized i was "fat" and started running in fifth grade. isn't that sad. i remember my brothers friends would ask me why i ran and i would just tell them because i wanted to because i didn't want to tell anyone it was because i thought i was fat. i was in fifth grade for christs sake. but it didn't really catch up to me until 7th grade. and then again in 9th grade during cross country. i bet at those times my mom was wishing she never worried before. my girlfriend in 7th/8th grade told my parents that she thought i was anorexic. so in 8th grade (when i was home "sick" from school just as much as i wasn't) and especially my 8th grade summer i tried to prove her wrong and make my parents believe that i wasn't anorexic. so i did gain some weight. that was also when i first tried being belemic (i don't think thats how that is spelled) i never really got that down but i tried really hard that year. but then when freshman year of cross country came around i was running all of the time so i just kind of went with that as my excuse for losing so much weight. but i knew that i was helping it out a lot. in my cross country picture my face is nice and round. that was towards the beginning of the season. then i dove into running and not eating full force, by the time i took my homecoming pictures only about a month later....i look like two different people. i lost between 20 - 30 pounds in that amount of time. i weighed a whopping 130. at about 5'9" i thought that was great. i also started doing 200 crunches every night so i was this scrawny little shit with a perfectly formed six pack. the six pack drew attention away from the skinnyness. all of the older girls in the highschool would ask to see it and that made me feel...liked....attractive to people, i guess. but what i call my anorexia is kind of half assed like everything else in my life because once i found alcohol again i kind of said fuck it. but its always been there. the most i ever weighed in highschool was 145lbs. sometimes i joke about how i don't have the willpower that i used to have but its really not that funny, huh? i thought it was mostly gone but it came back for a week or two this summer. swap (if you read this you know when) noticed. but i fastly corrected it when i came back to iowa for my vacation and ate all the food i possibly could. and then drank myself silly a couple times especially at rachels wedding ( but still not as drunk silly as meghan!!!;] ) its funny how one statement can bring certain things back to the front of your mind. right now i weigh anywhere between 160 and 165lbs. 20 pounds heavier than i did in highschool. in highschool this would have bothered me tremendously. where as now it slightly bothers me but more in the way of that i know i am just not in the top shape i so desire to be. and that might explain why i am reluctant, besides my knee, to start up again because i get very unhealthly obsessed. i know when to stop losing weight now.....but if i get too serious about getting into shape i know that it could creep back in. "oh these little addictions how the spring up quickly..." so all during lunch we joked that i was "fat boy." mom accused patty of telling her secrets, and i told them of how i have fully embraced my belly. and how i intend to name my belly since it has been with me this long i think it deserves a proper name. any suggestions?
i also found out the my crazy father told my grandmother who told my aunt, uncle and cousin that he thinks mom has the hots for him. hes so fuckin' nutts. even though they live in the same town they never see eachother. and besides she is living with her boyfriend who she happens to be absolutley in love with. where he got this notion is beyond me. the man, i'm sure, has many people that tell him these things - they're just all in his head. thats the dumbest thing i have ever heard. wow.
i also found out that this girl i graduated with that works with my mother is talking shit about my friends. she told my mom that meghan (molly from time to time) was a big drug addict in iowa city...funny that she heard that about meghan but knows nothing about me who was truly the drug addict in iowa city...but how she would know this is nonexistant anyway. they probably haven't even seen eachother since graduation. and why would she tell my mom when she knows i'm like best friends with her and have been since highschool. she also expressed her dislike for rachel (our class president) for not planning a petty fuckin' five year class reunion, (which rachel and i have discussed on many occassion that we would never plan a five year, we knew that other people that really feel the need to hold on to that would do it anyway. five years is too damn soon anyway.) and then called her a bitch because nobody came and blamed it on rachel having her wedding this summer. its not like they were on the same day. and i have never known anyone to look at rachel or think of rachel and think...."oh, yeah, rachel....she's such a bitch. what a mean person she is." riiiiight. i told my mom that she needs to tell this girl to shut her mouth about my friends who she knows nothing about. jealousy does ugly ugly things to people.
anyway.
so last night i went out and i got a lot of attention for a change. a lot of attention from other people's boyfriends. just my luck. one of them tanner insists was straing at me all night which he kind of was but its probably because hes wondering why he's with his boyfreind and not me....he insinuated it a couple times but what the hell am i supposed to do with that. there was this creep who has been creeping out on me since 2001, [claire and i call him ck gross because the first time i met him he was trying to pick me up by telling me that he was better than my boyfriend (at the time). when i asked why, he asked, "does he make $10,000 a day? cuz i do." then when i asked how he told me...keep in mind this is in iowa city, "i'm a calvin kline model." riiiight] well this guy that has the boyfriend was "protecting" me from him during the eve. as in if ck gross walked by or near he would put his arms around me or grab me and hold me pretending we were together. all while his boyfriend was right there, his boyfreind ended up getting a little angry by the end of the eve. why is this the story of my life. why is this the other end of the spectrum with people with me? either i am interested and they are to but end up being creeps or we are both interested but they are with someone else. its gettin' old.
i'm gettin' old.
"i know theres someone out there waiting for me. there must be someone out there there just has to be." ~ my girl madonna
that right there kids. part of that last paragraph and the quote from the song and all that.....thats cody showing some vulnerability. enjoy. that kind of vulnerability doesn't come out of me every day.
i gotta' go.
love sweet love ~ cody tyler
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