hey from before...

hes so much, so long.
and trying to figure out where he went wrong.


i feel like i should be writing about my vacation my grandma, michael, but i just can't bring myself to do it. i don't know why. maybe its avoidence maybe its cuz it all makes me feel so lonely. happy...but lonely. well not so much happy i guess about the grandma situation. does any of this make sense? confussion has set in now that i am back with myself. lonely confussion. i don't even really know how to hold a real conversation. my life moved so fast and hard the last 2 weeks or so and then just came to a grinding halt. its fine, cuz its time to get back in business but my mind keeps raping me all day long. and i wonder about the validity of everything. like why some people act differently when other people are around or come back. its like people love to lift you up so high one moment just to watch you do somersaults in the breeze before you crash into earth. yesterday was josh w.'s birthday. one of my boys is in the hospital really sick. i could go my whole life without seeing anybody caried on a stretcher ever again.

so i went out with darrel and eric last night. i didn't get to the piano bar until 11:45 and they had been drinking for a while so i just kind of held a nice steady pace. we then went to the shitty kitty. i saw josh from last summer and we talked a bit then he told me to go to afterhours with him and his friend. i went. i don't ever do the afterhours anymoer. the closest i get to it is the red light in des moines and thats bad enough. but this party was o.k. for the first hour or so. then everyone wanted coke. so for the next five or so hours i sat wasted with a handful of people that looked like they were chewing on carpet and peanut butter. and talking really fast and really "deep" about really important things. i would have to say that the conversations i participated in were the only actual conversations....just because i was there. i think it scared some people that i could keep there attention considering the a.d.d. that they just sucked up there nose. for a split second in the evening i tried to convince myself that i wanted to do some too. so i walked in the room where everyone was doing it and i looked at it. i looked at it. i watched them do it. i went back into the other room. i went back into the other room and laughed my ass off to myself, in my head, at how dumb the picture of that room looked. silently slitting the wrists in my mind for trying to convince myself that i wanted to do it again. the last time i did it i didn't even want to do it. i just did it cuz i didn't want the people aound me to feel stupid. god, i can be dumb. but last night i wasn't. and of all times to do it again last night was perfect timing. cuz cody likes to run. but i didn't run. i sat perfectly still, damn it. hooray! i actually behaived proactively instead of reactively. this shit really does work. anyway. while i was there this guy asked me if i would be his boyfriend. how fucking hilarious is that. he said, "well, i leave in may, and you leave in may, i think you're really attractive and i really like you and i just kinda' want to have a boyriend until i leave." i told him that thats not how i go about things and he said, "so what, go for it lets jump right in." don't worry it was less creepy than it sounds and was nice but needless to say he and i are not boyfriends. gotta' go the library is closed.
love ~ cody