burn it away.

i'm shutting down. i don't know why its hitting me so hard. why i cannot not be distracted. i'm rolling around in this syrup of emotions and just like syrup...its sticky. very very sticky. but sometimes sweet. i'm here shoving sweet buttery mounds of pancakes into my ever so needy mouth and i just can't get enough. and then i realize. i'm ill. but its not the warm sweet buttery goodness that made me ill. its too much syrup - its me. my fault ultimately.

one of the rules of kabballah is to never place blame. i'm trying so hard. but give it a shot for a day. see how easy it is to place blame. and i have and i do. i've done it right here on this very blog. but i'm human and i slip.

there were a couple things that made me feel good today. remembering a phone conversation and a post card. thank you to you people that know who you are. and thank you to claire for the invite and the (worried) shout out. sorry bout the dramatics! :( but just as those things make me feel good they make me nervous.

am i backing out. and if i am what all am i backing out on. or how much. do i need to go back to finally go forward or should i say fuck back. fuck back and keep fuckin' on forward? my childhood fantasies are slowly fading away. fastly so slowly. feeling outstretched arms for so long makes for sore arms. and not only that but a sore soul. and a sore soul can only grow sour. no need for sour. no room as a matter of fact. decisions decisions. all rapped up in too little time. yet a small life full of time has passed. or has it. i think it lingers like the low clouds over north carolina in the morning. and like those clouds its waiting for the scolding fever of the sun to burn it away. i wish i could burn it away by breakfast.

so i might go back to iowa on july 1st to see claire and darrel and roderic and meghan. but darrel and meghan both will be leaving on the 3rd so i'm not sure what will be going on. i'm not sure what the fuck i am doing or if i am even going. i think my i.c. rachel said she would be in town too. so that would be fun. i guess i should go. this entry is too down and out even for me to re-read.

love me - cody tyler