more light hearted than it appears

this is from my paper journal last night.

straight- school girl- shattered.
i'm lost i'm confused. i've never felt so far from knowing myself cuz i've never really felt like i didn't know myself. but its amamzing how once i found out for sure it was so easy to want to shut off towards you. but thats dumb. cuz i want to know you still. maybe the 13 year old in me is not convinced - or atleast is trying hard not to be. but there was something jolted this afternoon. a nervousness on your part - a tension. a one eye on me sort of thing. but dart away at any sign of eye to eye. the brush of your arm held there almost on top of mine. the pinky finger action at the staring of the screen. don't fuck with me. thats not rocking my face off! ;] who does that when they're not even supposed to be that. just cuz you know. i mean really. and will someone tell me -please- why i ever got this in the first place. to my sight i am amazed. are my eyes playing tricks on me? are you the clown magician? or is it cuz i can see your whole. your juicy goodness when with our beautiful ones. that alone is one of the most beautiful things a human can ever posses. that is what drew me there. and allowed me to let down my barriers towards the red and see that it can be lovely. appealing. and yes... sexy. damn you on every day but tuesday and thursday. i wish you brought peace to my core instead of leaving for it. i can't take one eyeball off of looking for you. after all where is mine for christs sake. when is it my turn. its their fault not yours or mine or ours. they lead me to believe and fall into this whole i normally would have stepped around with ease. see you tuesday!

don't worry its not as serious as it looks...just a bit of playful writing towards it to make it more interesting in my head.

i finally got my old pictures posted....yea! check 'em out! [ thanks roderic so much!! ;) ]

peace,
love - cody tyler