i've noticed recently that i let good things get away while i waste time on bad things. mostly people. some would literally be too much whether it be distance or what have you. but i give up so easily, i back out, i run. but then when someone comes along and i see some potential danger in the glare of their eye i apparently fall head over heels all the while thinking of the good ones and how they didn't treat me or don't treat me the way the one i'm with does. and how i know how i should be treated. and its not a good thing. cuz i stay too long most of the time and i get caught up, not unlike i did with craig. so i either stay too long with the bad or not long enough with the good. i'm a genius! everyday more and more signs point to the fact that i have autism cuz socially something has always been a little off. only joking but the later part of the sentence is nothing but fact. i have great friends and i have loved and been loved but something has always been crooked. one of these days i'll figure it out.
i know a lot of the time i don't let myself get close to most because i'm meeting them here. and i firmly believe i will not be here forever so i end up feeling like, "why waste my time." but really i should be thinking why waste an experience that could be truly beautiful and develop atleast a friendship. which by the way i am doing better about speaking to the people i've dated after it all fell through. craig is an exception cuz he approached me one night acting as if nothing had ever happened and asked if i was leaving him and all this really weird stuff so i cooled down the talking with him for a bit until his loonies got out. but now we talk...when we see eachother. the ones that make it really hard are the ones that use my roommate or other close friends to go through. they are extra friendly all of a sudden and its always when i've left the room. how dare them think my roommate is stupid and that my friends are stupid. everybody knows that you just want them to tell me what you said about me or about us. come on now. get real.
my goal for my move is to start over in the dating pool since i won't know anyone. this way everyone can form their own opinions of me instead of what they hear from others that "know" me. and then maybe since all will be different i'll get rid of my little tisms. atleast i hope thats the way it will go. we'll see, as for now i think i'll hang out with me and my "chewing gum." ;]
peace. gotta' be to work @ 7am tomorrow. eeeewww!
love - cody tyler
2 comments:
Maybe focusing on your "tisms" will affect all of your relationships. Not just starting over in another town. No one can look for the answers to their own questions and issues in another person.
Cody I see you've put a lot of thought into your relationships, whether it be friends or lovers. That is a good sign to me that you really do want to find someone and that is great to know. Most people are just so consumed in their own lives that they don't really think about relationships with others. Does this make sense? Probably not but oh well. Brian
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