unlikely hero

i was in the middle of what could have been my worste relapse. my roommate whom i had just left at the bar who promised me he would be home soon, along with letting me know he would never forgive me after i let him know that i was contemplating contacting my ex who had moments before offered me a drug of choice, did not follow through. this is not the first time. this is also something he tells me was not his fault and since he tells me this i believe him cuz he did play a role in talking me out of it. but at this time i didn't need talk. i needed a human presence. what i thought i needed was a familiar human presence and so i desired. but i did not recieve this. i recieved text from my ex. i recieved text from old friends that im not that in touch with but i knew felt strongly against. it was not well recieved. i cried. i called. i recieved advice from a friend that has no idea of my struggle since we have stopped telling eachother the things we go through and the way we feel. i cried. i tried to explain but had only been faced with competition of who has it worse or who has it better. i cried. but in the very last moments. at the very end, i hear a knock on my door. a knock from a neighbor of mine that i have talked out of near over dose on more than one occasion. i call the roomie to let him know that i may let him in, knowing that there is a huge chance he has what my addiction is craving for. i cried. we hang up, my information not being as undersatood as i had hoped. i cried. i peek out my peep hole, he's there listening, knowing someone is there convinced by the sound of my music playing. i open the door suprising him and let him in. we drink a few beers and chat and soon he tells me of his recent admission to rehad near his hometown. and switch, i'm in care giver mode. coming from my neighbor of all people! something i had encouraged him to do. we sat. we talked. he left at 7am. he saved me from what could have not only been my relapse into my drug of choice. but my relapse into a destructive, selfish, hurtful ex. my relapse into a former cody that used to be. my relapse that could have been, especially now since i have no one to tell of my sin, my thoughts, my gonings bad, since it has all become invalid. since it has all been made less than. but for this i am thankful. for this i am reminded of my strength. for this i am reminded that even though i begged certain friends and some closest to me, someone else came into the picture to prove to me i am my own person. i am my own me. no matter how much i may give to others. i can never expect support or anything for that matter just because i give it. or just because someone might be my friend. and i'm ok. and i always will be. cause i have a heart. a heart bigger than i may ever show. a heart bigger than i may ever know. a heart given to me by the strongest woman i have ever known.

and at the same time i may have been hurt that evening, i am greatful. and i am thankful.

thank you robbie.

love ~ cody tyler