bye, cody.

so i have been in nc since the 26th. the drive was kinda shitty but thanks to meg we made it. i have finished the first of the last two weeks at my camp here in n.c. and finally was forced to reflect. to deal with moving and my sadness, my missing and my joy and excitment as well. but in my time with myself and my "bye, cody disc one - 'passed" soundtrack this is what came of my thoughts.

i want so desperatley to express myself. the loss of my voice and censorship of this past year or maybe 5 - 6 years has left me to feel that i have so much pent up inside me. i want to be heard damn it. i want to be heard cuz i have a lot to say. but i want to be heard without judgment just for right now. without being told how i could do or should have done. the ware of my year was evident to them. my rough edges and frail frame. my "good" lies that i have told out of shame showing through in my sunken eyes. i've made up for it, stuffing myself full since my arrival. full of all the royally free things and feelings this place has to offer and has always offered me. the things i've lost track of by every past late summer fall at the latest. their judgments have passed. but their concern for what has happened remains.

so here i am starting over. and even though i know people here and am familiar enough with my surroundings and my voice is lighter and spirit lifted i still feel the weight of solitude. cuz only i know exactly what i have left there and what i have facing me still. the filth i still must rid myself of. the cleansing i must go through. the burden on my soul of my worst life relapse. i feel the pull of routine and comfort or lack of courage and self descipline tugging at my heels still. again. clutching them trying to clinge on desperately, leaving scratches and gashes left open pathing a trail exposing everywhere i have been and everywhere i go. the fear of actually letting go of my past for real cuz its all i have known but knowing i damn well can and damn well better. for the sake of myself, my friendships, my relationships and of those of my future. i'm tarnished, i accept that. but i refuse to tarnish the ones around me. i don't want to be known as the one who is bitten only to bite back and be bitten again. and again.

they see my work not knowing its the inside of me out. who i long to be - overtime. who i am but balance has never been one of my strengths nor has it ever been. but it is something i am willing to wok on. i hate force but know i will appreciate it afterwards. yet i am scared that it is happening at this very moment on a late friday night as i lie in bed writing these very words. definitley not routine... for me.

it appears to come so easy to others around me. shutting down there bodys as the light fades only making me realize what my childhood dreams meant. why i long for the things that i long for and have always longed for but have hidden many times. society would tell me i better hurry. but i know i just have to do it either way. i know that in my actuality my rapidly increasing age means not one damn thing! and for some reason - even when i have nothing rooting on my side for it - i have confidence that my age and time will not be my main problem. it never has been anyway. no matter how negatively or positively influenced it may have been.
i just need to get as far away from myself as possible in order to see myself from the outside looking in. this is my task, among many others, that i must work on now. - peace.

i want to paint my face and pretend that i am someone else.
sometimes i get so fed up i don't even wanna' look at myself.
but people have problems that are worse than mine.
i don't want you to think i'm complaining all the time.
and i hate the way you look at me i have to say.

i wish i could start over.

i'm slowly fallin apart.
i wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start.
and you might think its easy being me.

you just stand still look pretty.

sometimes i find myself shaking in the middle of the night.
and then it hits me and i can't even believe this is my life.
but people have problems that are worse than mine.
i don't want you to think i'm complaining all the time.
and i wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth.

i'm not strong enough to deal with this.

i'm slowly falling apart.
i wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start.
and you might think its easy being me.

you just stand still look pretty.

"stand still look pretty" - the wreckers