sorry i have been super distant. things have been weird this entire summer and i think, no i know, i haven't been dealing with them in the real cody fashion. my last year in iowa created a monster. one that doens't open up and in turn doesn't deal with things the way he should. although i am still the first to help everyone else do so and help everyone else in general. and this year in nc has opened up an even different version, after josh and tooth, and l.roomie. and the gay community here in general. how i am different. how i can have so many "friends" and get along with so many different people yet still finding "myself in crowded rooms - feeling so alone." and then after going to nyc a couple weeks ago things just have been swirling and swirling.
memories. family or lack of family. friends. friends who are family. people who used to be friends. people who say they are still friends but their actions don't prove so. the difference between close friends and others. distance. then the realizations of many things. such as how certain friends may have been good for the time but maybe they aren't good for me now. anymore? or i them. wondering how the hell to let go when i wrote the book on how not to do so but talk like i have. when i love i love forever. and i love easy cuz i see real. and yet i am not surrounded by ones i love and that love in return. i am the middle man in a familiar foreign "community" befriending all but hearing by all how everyone is horrible. the affects i have had on people and them letting me know. the affects i have had on people that i have over looked. good and bad. how i am. no, how i really am. how certain attitudes i have had have been good to mold me but have been selfish. balance. and lack there of. and many many relationship issues. trust issues, sex issues. why i behave the way i do in all of those situations. knowing why i do yet still seeing myself do it anyway from time to time. cuz i am human. or cuz i am weak. being too hard on myself in some areas and not hard enough in others...
geez.
i want to say i am fine but fear of sounding like a hypocrite after writing all of that. and my friend b hates when i say i am fine. he says, "you always say you are fine, you could be dying and you would still say you are fine!"
but i am fine. i am not unhappy. i am alive, and i am nowhere near finished. that in turn means i have life to live, and that excites me. i am just very disenchanted. very saddened by the shift that has occurred. maybe its always been this way and i just never saw it. maybe in this area i have been naive for once. but there is such an overwhelming lack of care going on around me, noticing it in my past, my present, and fearing it in my future.
things are good. i have changed for the better i just need to get rid of this wall i built for myself. and its not permanent. it just appears whenever it wants to.
this next part is how i feel a lot. i write my own but they are in my paper journal since my blog is not copy written. this is me using someone Else's words to help me stop hiding. i feel autistic, maybe i have been too involved for too long.
from "in this life" by (of course, who else) madonna
"In this life I loved you most of all What for?
'Cause now you're gone and I have to ask myself What for?
People pass by and I wonder who's next
Who determines, who knows best
Is there a lesson I'm supposed to learn in this case
Ignorance is not bliss
Have you ever watched your best friend die [what for?]
Have you ever watched a grown man cry [what for?]
Some say that life isn't fair [what for?]
I say that people just don't care [what for?]
They'd rather turn the other way [what for?]
And wait for this thing to go away [what for?]
Why do we have to pretend [what for?]
Some day I pray it will end
I hope it's in this life.
I hope it's in this lifetime."
hey, i don't work in human services for nothing. i care.
i guess you could call this my dark period. and i think it may be one of my darkest. but the difference this time around is that i can still smile for real, i can still laugh for real. i can still love. and i don't hate. i don't have so much anger like i did when i was younger. yes i may be furious about certain things but i work towards solutions now instead of just bitching. this is all i got for now i appreciate you not taking it personal for being distant. but you know i am always here for you when you need me! you must know that!
i love you.talk to you soon!
love ~ me
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