mixed tape

i used to be so good at making mixed tapes. blending the songs perfectly sometimes even mixing them and mashing them a bit. and i did it all with the ff and rw and pause and play buttons. perfect. customized. now you just have to rely on the songs unless you have the technology. i was given one of the best mixed -c.d.'s- i have been given in a long long time. thanks trav! good because my idea of a mixed c.d. or compilation c.d. as they are called, had been tainted. maybe cuz thats all he ever used. and it was always dripping with the obvious, or what he wanted me to believe was the obvious. but now in my hands and for my ears lie 2 extraordinary comeback compilation c.d.s. bringing them back into my world. perfectly mysterious. playful and honest. and all out of the act of love instead of the statement. god fuckin bless america. the act of some love. instead of this constant ringing in my ear of verbal. working in autism i think we have heard somewhere that sometimes it helps if you reduce your verbal. - i don't wanna hear, i don't wanna know. please don't say...- i'm tired of words. no more "sunday school" letters. no more "i'm a good boy because see how i finished my plate" statements. we all know everyone hid it in the napkin or slid it under the table for the dog. so stop your fake chewing and fess up already! i miss being surrounded by my "family" when all of us had no shame in admitting who we were. how we were. the good and the bad. no matter what. living with and actually experiencing our memory this past weekend may have just saved my year. i am so fortunate to be able to grow up among such people after moving out of my home. it was them that i longed for. as if i willed them to me. i had been waiting for so long for someone to accept even the idea of me that i had almost lost hope. then like the toy in the cereal box that mom told me to wait til it was finished - i found them. and here they were doing it even better than i had imagined it could be done. and somewhere along the way i made sure i over compensated and somehow since then i have balanced myself out. one foot in one foot out. one arm protecting you one arm protecting me. always was my method of survival. some may call it cowardly or narcissistic but in certain situations i call it perfect. only usually seeing so well after the fact. some of you i dated, some of you i wished i had dated all of you were just my friend and most of you i would have married, but your music has always been my boyfriend.

love ~ me.