so i heard back from the autism society...literally 12 hours after i applied. thats kewl. they want interviews and all that. thats very kewl. autism is something i have become more and more interested in over these past four years of human service work. so now i have over lapping plans....so now i have to figure some shit out.
lots of shit.
as of saturday i am 3 weeks and 3 days smoke free!!
i had a dream this morning that i was smoking. every body else was wasted except me, all i was doing was smoking but i was freaking out about it. because i knew i was not supposed to be. but in the dream i was also hanging out with courtney love and it was after her concert and we were all doing eachother up to look similar to her, guys and girls, and we were all laughing a lot and having an excellent time and courtney and her people kept trying to grab my dick and all that which somewhat happened but then i got up and i peeked in a bedroom cuz i KNEW I HAD to tell my mother goodnight and she asked me where steve was(i finally remembered who she asked about) and i told her i didn't know and started to quietly worry about steve and the fact that i was smoking. and then i woke myself up because it became rediculous. any dream interpretors out there....let me know what the fuck that dream meant...please.
the dinner by the boy was awesome. we're talking full on meal. full on dishes and silverware, and champagne. not to mention candlelight. it was new for me. and i wasn't sure how to take it so it kind of confused him. i'm still trying to take it slow. i'm worried that either he really likes me or just thinks he does because he really wants to like someone.... claire loves him. kara does too. so do sarah and stephanie. i think he is a wonderful person. he is well aware of the pace that i am taking. whether he likes it or not is a different story.
sarah and stephanie are very short with me. i think they feel threatened by the boy. but they are only threatening themselves because i don't participate in the 2 main things that consumes their world. school happens to be one of them...we'll leave the other to imagination. which i have discussed all of this with sarah. not really discussed. but i tried to get through her victim mind frame but we both just kind of stopped. even when i did say to her that i felt abandoned by her at a time i probably needed her the most she turned it around and said something like "thats not even what its about, all i am saying is...." (she's the victim - is basically what she was trying to say) and i understand what she is saying and where she is coming from but she is refusing to hear my end of it. to understand all of the detail of it. we're talking the abandonment, the boyfriends, the "extracuricular activities that go on in my home", the changes i have made and continue to make. i understand that just because i am doesn't mean she has to and there has not been one instant where i have tried to make her change or change her world because of my new changes, so i try to sit back and not say much and not make a big deal out of it....cuz a big deal will be made by her if i do. its frustrating...but i know its just one of those things that will be a.o.k. once we are no longer living together. unless she doesn't allow it because she already thinks its bad and that it can only get worse if we aren't living together. i'm in a no win...
but other than that things are still good. i have my private freak outs that are mostly only in my head but they are undercontrol. i bring them on myself.
oh, and for the first time in 2 years i am getting money back on my taxes! its about fuckin' time. and this money will help a great deal.
i'm out.
i love you ~ cody
No comments:
Post a Comment