here comes some brutal honesty. this is the only place i have to do it. :/

here goes...

sigh.

deep breath.

i'm so hurt. (first tear) but i have to be so strong for everyone else. mother you taught me well. but if this is what you felt like most of the time i owe you my life and then some. and i apologize. sincerely i apologize! i can't believe how people can go through life treating others as just characters and not actual people. i'm not a cardboard cut out you fucking self centered self satisfying prick. (crying) but i can't talk like this to people cuz it makes me weak and bitchy. or it makes me a drama queen, right? well the one person i had to talk to about "shit" has fallen off the face of the earth cuz being friends with me wasn't convenient for him all of a sudden. for his marriage of convenience. everything on his terms. it takes courage to recognize whats real from whats convenient. (sob) one of these days you won't get what you want when you want it like you always do. then what? you'll find some new sucker. tell him how hes is the most beautiful person you have ever seen, you won the gay lottery perhaps. how you are in love with him. and you will tell him these things even after you fuck him over so you continue to get your ego stroked. oh really, you are still in love with me - "between me and you" and i'm still the most beautiful person you've ever met - "between me and you" (a bit of chuck comes up) do you tell t. these things cuz if you guys are going to have a real relationship as you claim you want maybe you should discuss these things with him. your ego...is that what all the nude pictures were about. you are so into your self that you have multiple nude pictures from years and years that you keep around. tell me what about the 6 or more c.d.s that you made me while you were with your boyfriend that you so sensitively titled "crossing the line" how sick does it get. and why did i fall for all of it. why did i let you make me believe that you meant it. why did i let it swallow my entire life. because i was in an insensitive relationship at the time. you knew i would fall for it hook line and muthafuckin sinker huh. you saw what i needed to hear most and what i longed for most and you used it to make me adore you until you decided if you wanted to follow through or not. and then you did, but didn't get it exactly the way you thought you would cuz i have a spine or was it because you did get what you wanted... -in your excited tone if we ever became close and after we did- "does this mean we have had sex? does this mean we have had sex?" (somewhat shameful shudder) and why would anyone want to take that person back. especially since he knew you did all of this to him. he saw the emails and the photos you sent. "crossing the line" sick. gross. oh you thought it was so cute when i said them both. how bout now that they are about you.

i am a human being. i have feelings. don't brush me aside for when it is convenient for you. (sob) and i'd like to follow that with, "cuz i won't stick around you'll lose my friendship blah blah blah" but that won't matter will it. cuz then you won't have to deal with this end of it anymore. that would be ideal. for you. a lot of things in your life are ideal for you. aren't they? you don't give two shits about anyone but your damn self. if you loved t. you would have kept your fuckin mouth shut, your dick in your pants, and your heart in his hands instead of mine. (sob and snot) your heart... hmmm.... you don't know what to do with it so you clobber everyone elses... hmmm...

"its really important that we are friends" "i hope to be as good a friend to you as you have been to me" "i really do want to be your friend and i care about you"

really? ... then where the fuck is my friend when i need him most? huh? (one last row of fast tears)

oh thats right you have to get back to convincing t. and yourself that you want to be with him when really all you are trying to do is guarantee your status as never by yourself. never alone. i see now why you are so scared of being by yourself. i see what you are capable of and it scares the shit out of me too.

exhale.

wipe my brow.

sob.

stop.

smile.

on to help the next person.

I'm always "ok."

~ me(the real human being one, the non cardboard cut out stand still look pretty one)