MY LAST LETTER. THE LAST BLOG-O-TOOTH. (many changes...soon to be back to c.)

i got your text...

or at least i assumed it was you. and sorry for not getting back to you sooner. like i said i no longer have you programmed in my phone and that was because i was tired of disapointing myself. as in having expectations, that you gave me, that you would be a friend. so i delete them right away so i can't send a sad or upset text back.

i guess if you care here is an update of things going on in my life. i am working part time at the cllc and it is going well. i enjoy the people that work there and the people i work with. its nice to do direct care again as well. i've missed it. but it got kinda crazy while i was training, i've been working a lot of 13 or 14 hour days. i help out at camp when i can which will be a lot this week. but yet again 13 hours days but i don't mind it as much with camp cuz i fucking love the place! martin's 4th painting is coming along nicely. i am actually way more into this one than i were the last 3 but have less time.

in my personal i am still going home the 29th and i am super excited. i need a break from here, from my home or lack there of, and from lack of understanding and deep real friendships. i have made some new friends which has been nice and a lot of fun but they look at me and sense the saddness of the past few months in my eyes and ask me about it. but i do not complain. i just explain that there have been some changes and some changes needed. it would have been really nice if you would have followed through with being a friend to me, tooth. i really needed one lately due to my home life. things have continued to go down hill with l. and bf.c. i had a discussion with l. a couple times and things would be good for a day or two but then be even worse. the last straw was me knowing her and her friends just did coke in her bedroom twice, and then coming home to cockroaches in my kitchen and my pillow shredded and the friends loud unruly dog. since then i have told her she has to move out as soon as possible. she says she understands and that she is not upset and that we will still be friends but you know how that goes.

its been pretty rough. and i have had my moments of breakdown privately. and since b, you and l. and bf.c. were my closest friends here i had no one but b. b. has been great but she is going through some of this stuff on her own as well. plus i was sick of trying to find someone to be there for me when i had these "friends" that said they cared. yet i kept hoping you would follow through with what you said. but i know you, just like i have always known you. and gradually your obligatory text went from every monday wednesday and friday to every monday and friday to just mondays and now i ask that it no longer happen. i know this won't be a difficult task for you but please do not text me cuz it is an instant step back the very moment it happens. i'm trying to make over my life for the better. i'm realizing the things i do wrong and changing them but i am trying to do whats right for me and don't want negative bullshit that can provoke my own negative bullshit to come out anymore. i no longer will allow myself to allow people to hold me back. but i know i can be easily distracted, and since you meant so much to me at one time and i did want your friendship and you told me you wanted mine, i will get distracted with a measly vacant text.

i'm very glad and thankful everything has gone down the way that it has. it has shown me exactly how you and l. and bf.c. really are, and also helped me to recognize for the most part now when someone is just doing something for the way that it makes them look. (sure this will still happen it happens all of the time) and i can be civil and friendly to everyone. and i am happy. and i smile and laugh for real. and i am stronger than before and much smarter than before. and i am still desirable to good people. people that actually want to get to know me. i also know i can do all this and make new friends, except this time make the right ones. ones that actually care to be my friend cuz they care about me and ones that don't need their ego stroked 24/7. im not trying to make you feel bad. this isn't only about you, i am updating you on me cuz at one time you said you still cared and wanted to be my friend. by the way putting me back on your top friends on myspace does not mean we are friends, you never speak to me, never send me myspace messages nor do you allow my comments to even show, and never send me emails or call me to see how i am doing. but it sure does make it look like we are friends to others. this is the behavior i told you about right before t. let you move back in, remember? so its saddens me to see that you haven't changed. i asked you what you would do if i ran and asked if you would chase me. and you said "yes as a friend." i didn't even have to run. yet i no longer can even see you in the distance. thanks a lot, tooth. but also thank you very much. believe it or not but i am no longer angry. i just got fed up with being hurt. in the exact same way you said t. just kept hurting you over and over by not talking to you. so if you thought of others feelings as you say you do you would have noticed. i had even already mentioned it the night i deserved the "friend of the year ward." i wasn't asking to be with you i was asking for your friendship that we swore would always be.

if you do "still care" feel free to email me or call me when you think i won't be working. honestly, i really don't expect to hear from you though. and please don't send me an email full of "really busy" excuses. i'm not a child. don't treat me as one. if you cared you would make a little time. if you care you will prove it.

good luck. have fun.

goodbye ~ ME

if you read my blog you already know all of this. and if you already know all of this you deserve double goodluck!

i forgive you and wish you well.

its been brought to my attention...

...that there was really no reason for you to tell me that you and t. were going away together with out phones or computers using the excuse "incase you can't get a hold of me"...when clearly i hadn't been trying. so once again your motives are in question. this has proved to be more important to certain friends than me. but it did raise a ? in my mind obviously. the reasons you could have been letting me know that could be pretty sketch when you think about it. perhaps trying to get a mad and angry reaction or maybe you were expecting me to give a sad face :(... or at worst to rub it in and make me feel bad. eeew.

This is not what i want...

A man can live in a small town, in a modest house with a white picket fence and a wonderful garden that he tends all day long. its a good life, a tranquil life. At age 95, he passes on peacefully in his sleep. On the surface, it appears to be an ideal existence. But was this really his purpose on this planet? Was there any internal change in this man's life? Is he a different, more evolved spiritual being at age 95 than he was at 35 or 65?

Some people live 70 years as if it were one day. Some people live one day as if it were 70 years. The white picket fence, early retirement, the simple lifestyle - all this leads to complacency. This things can be weapons of our opponent, who will instill complacency within us to prevent us from making inner changes. Then, when its too late, we realize that life was empty and without meaning.

Even worse, some people go to their graves without realizing that their existence was empty.
~ Yehuda Burg

here comes some brutal honesty. this is the only place i have to do it. :/

here goes...

sigh.

deep breath.

i'm so hurt. (first tear) but i have to be so strong for everyone else. mother you taught me well. but if this is what you felt like most of the time i owe you my life and then some. and i apologize. sincerely i apologize! i can't believe how people can go through life treating others as just characters and not actual people. i'm not a cardboard cut out you fucking self centered self satisfying prick. (crying) but i can't talk like this to people cuz it makes me weak and bitchy. or it makes me a drama queen, right? well the one person i had to talk to about "shit" has fallen off the face of the earth cuz being friends with me wasn't convenient for him all of a sudden. for his marriage of convenience. everything on his terms. it takes courage to recognize whats real from whats convenient. (sob) one of these days you won't get what you want when you want it like you always do. then what? you'll find some new sucker. tell him how hes is the most beautiful person you have ever seen, you won the gay lottery perhaps. how you are in love with him. and you will tell him these things even after you fuck him over so you continue to get your ego stroked. oh really, you are still in love with me - "between me and you" and i'm still the most beautiful person you've ever met - "between me and you" (a bit of chuck comes up) do you tell t. these things cuz if you guys are going to have a real relationship as you claim you want maybe you should discuss these things with him. your ego...is that what all the nude pictures were about. you are so into your self that you have multiple nude pictures from years and years that you keep around. tell me what about the 6 or more c.d.s that you made me while you were with your boyfriend that you so sensitively titled "crossing the line" how sick does it get. and why did i fall for all of it. why did i let you make me believe that you meant it. why did i let it swallow my entire life. because i was in an insensitive relationship at the time. you knew i would fall for it hook line and muthafuckin sinker huh. you saw what i needed to hear most and what i longed for most and you used it to make me adore you until you decided if you wanted to follow through or not. and then you did, but didn't get it exactly the way you thought you would cuz i have a spine or was it because you did get what you wanted... -in your excited tone if we ever became close and after we did- "does this mean we have had sex? does this mean we have had sex?" (somewhat shameful shudder) and why would anyone want to take that person back. especially since he knew you did all of this to him. he saw the emails and the photos you sent. "crossing the line" sick. gross. oh you thought it was so cute when i said them both. how bout now that they are about you.

i am a human being. i have feelings. don't brush me aside for when it is convenient for you. (sob) and i'd like to follow that with, "cuz i won't stick around you'll lose my friendship blah blah blah" but that won't matter will it. cuz then you won't have to deal with this end of it anymore. that would be ideal. for you. a lot of things in your life are ideal for you. aren't they? you don't give two shits about anyone but your damn self. if you loved t. you would have kept your fuckin mouth shut, your dick in your pants, and your heart in his hands instead of mine. (sob and snot) your heart... hmmm.... you don't know what to do with it so you clobber everyone elses... hmmm...

"its really important that we are friends" "i hope to be as good a friend to you as you have been to me" "i really do want to be your friend and i care about you"

really? ... then where the fuck is my friend when i need him most? huh? (one last row of fast tears)

oh thats right you have to get back to convincing t. and yourself that you want to be with him when really all you are trying to do is guarantee your status as never by yourself. never alone. i see now why you are so scared of being by yourself. i see what you are capable of and it scares the shit out of me too.

exhale.

wipe my brow.

sob.

stop.

smile.

on to help the next person.

I'm always "ok."

~ me(the real human being one, the non cardboard cut out stand still look pretty one)

i'm still standing.

everything around me near and far seems to be crumbling. many many things all over. and for once despite tooth and his bullshit i feel like the last one standing for once. its really strange.

i hung out with an ex that i haven't seen for 6 years. he happened to be in town doing trainings for his job in kc so we met up. it went much better than i thought. we actually got a long really well. not that we talked of any of our past in detail but i think we understood each other. and both of us are doing very well.

its good to be able to talk to exes. i've never been one that liked not speaking to someone that meant so much to me at a certain point in my life. i talk to all of them except the first one here, but i even sent him a congrats on getting into unc message yesterday.

i don't know whats going to come of tooth. he continues to hurt me every day. i've received more of an apology and more concern for my well being from "t." and thats not how it should be. "not that i don't appreciate." yesterday i had a couple rough hours and oddly enough the ex ended up making me feel better. although he didn't know it. i guess cuz righting things with him has seniority over tooth.

i gotta go.

love ~ me.

i'll never put his full face. i have more respect than that.

Remember this...

from our gmail chats.

before the break up to t.

Tooth: yeah. i know. okay, well, that's that. i'm still making t.
sad (and psychotic), you sad, and possibly d. in a couple of weeks
and i REALLY like d.

me: d. well thats just a given she likes you anyway and its not
like shes gonna lose a job
nothing will get worse for her
and with me and t....

Tooth: but i don't want d. to feel badly about herself, or to resent me

me: get rid of me and that will solve both of those preoblems two
birds with one big flabby stone
she wont
shes a strong woman



Tooth: i can't get rid of you



me: why not
im causing problems
apparently



Tooth: because it would weigh on my conscience, and because then I
would be making myself sad

* and this...

Tooth: i was waiting for you to finish
i was just wondering because of the text from before where you said
that you break up with people and its like they don't give a shit
as for t....time and medication will tell

me: yes its true that is how i feel



Tooth: i know that it's probably not much consolation, but if you
were my bf and you broke up w/ me, i'd be pretty sad



me: yeah how is that supposed to mean all when it is coming
from someone who is in a relationship not with me..... not trying to
be mean.

Tooth: i know, i'm sorry. i'm just saying that i think you're a
great person and anyone who isn't sad if you break up with them is a
fool

me: well usually they arent sad cuz they hardly felt anything
in te beginning or they cheated on me so they dont really care
josh isnt responding to my texts



Tooth: well, i guess i just don't understand how people can
know you and get involved with you and never feel anything for you



and you wonder why i think you have deceived me....

what about the, "how do i get over you" and "i'd love you even if you were fat and in a wheel chaire or a burn victim." "i can see us old together." and "i would love it if you were singing to me on my death bed." oh yeah and remmeber the talk of living together you wanted to do it right away....


does t. know these things you've said to me. cuz that might be kind of important if you are wanting to be back with him. he might like to know just how strongly you felt "at the time" or atleast what you lied to me about.

~ me.

i thought if nothing else we were great friends. the damage is done, why is it fare that you get to get rid of one of the problems you created and only "deal" with the other?

here goes...

so the truth comes out. both sides are shown. you saw that expecting me to be your boyfriend because you were single didn't work. so what do you do. everything i said you would do if i backed out. you go straight back to the first person you stepped on. expecting that he will take you back. you rotate your image and do your song and dance. i rotate my image and do my song and dance. the only difference is mine is an expression of my feelings. is that what your motives were or was it "if i put this song on "t" might think i mean it. and if i put this picture "t" might think i am remembering."

much like, if i give cody these lines and these deep in the eye looks he'll fall. maybe if i make him multiple c.d.s all with love songs and songs of torment between 2 lovers, he'll see how this situation is just tearing me apart... just tearing me apart. but wait. i can't go for it until i know for sure he will bite. so i'll carry it on long and drawn out just to make sure cuz i can't just break it off with "t" i have to have to make sure you are wanting me. so i'll feed you all the 'you are so talented,' 'you desreve so much better, and i am so different i will never treat you the way he did. the way they have.'. "i'm inlove with you" "how do i get over you" "i love you" whats that you want out. "if you want out make sure you tell me" i'll say, just to know right, no its actually so i can start being nice to "t" again since you don't want to be with me.

and how many times did that happen. yes i tried to back out many times just so i could stop hearing you say the things you said that i didn't really believe but really wanted to hear due to circumstances. but once the relationship with "t" ended, so did your pursuing of me. i was expected to just be there. to be there for you loneliness, for your lack of expressing feelings of the situation. for the throb between your legs. "i thoguht i'd give you a massage. i brought some oil from home, i had to put it in a different bottle cuz i didn't think "t" would like seeing the whole thing gone. hehe" and was it really not your intent to sex me up after your massage or was that just what you realized you had to say since i called you out on it. "its not about the sex" you would say. but any chance you got, "can we just have sex and then get dinner?" or "you should be painting that in the nude." "have we had sex yet"

then the friday before your re-evaluation of your decision to break up with "t" after i had told you we had to take a break until you moved out...to me: "i really wish you were here" "i miss you" "i love you" "your 2 favorite people are in cahoots" "s.b. and i are plotting how you are going to be my boyfriend." "i wish it were that easy" i really do want you to be my boyfriend" "god i wish you were here" "can i come stay with you" "i'm not drunk" "so i can't come stay with you" do you love me" can we do something next saturday to celebrate my last day of work and your paintings"

even though you were drunk, i felt you pick up on my distance. it was 10pm. you were drunk and acting like a high schooler giggling and slurring as i've never heard before denying that you were drunk. making statements trying to get me to back down and let you come. but i have a spine and have had one for a long time now. one i am quite proud of. then the rest of the weekend i felt you pick up on my distance even more. distance cuz of lack of substance to your words. then the next week.

then the next week. the cancelation of saturday plans. my confession that it was long over. then after asked, your confession of "contemplating whether or not you made the right choice." were you? were you friday? or were you saturday cuz you realized my break was leading to nada. el fin. i wanted to wait until you signed the lease, does that make me wrong, does that make me bad. i want you to live by yourself. to know your self. to love your self in a real way not a vain way. to better your self and whoever you end up dating . but you beat me to the punch, cuz why? cuz you sensed my distance. cuz you got scared that you might have to live alone and not be in a relationship for once? or was it so easy to drop me cuz you think there is no chance "t" won't get back with you. how pathetic. if he does, i feel for you both. it saddens me cuz i think you both have great hearts underneath it all. but...

anyone that knows the entire situation, and there are a few, realize that you need to be alone. you confuse your desire to not be alone for love. like i said, it might scare me but atleast i know what love is.

the pain inside me bubbles - and boiled into rage this evening. rotate, look, lyrics, got em! rotate,look, lyrics, got em! rotate, look, lyrics............. you may have lost the best FRIEND you ever had, we wouldn't have worked out together, no. the love you save may be your own. think before you speak, stop fucking people and try it alone.

c.

deal or no deal

thinking that its sealed. no more work to do. leaving me suprised. leaving me in bed. yet making me want to run. suck excitement. stall out before it starts. everybody elses boy, maybe one day i'll be my own. yet accused selfish and actually selfish sometimes. just not in the right areas these times. never the one being saught after excpet in the bed. always chasing never being chased. making single serving seem most fullfilling. cuz thats all thats usually wanted. one serving. they fled. the one area i could truly be most anorexic.

no mas bananas.

love ~ c.t.