here goes...

so the truth comes out. both sides are shown. you saw that expecting me to be your boyfriend because you were single didn't work. so what do you do. everything i said you would do if i backed out. you go straight back to the first person you stepped on. expecting that he will take you back. you rotate your image and do your song and dance. i rotate my image and do my song and dance. the only difference is mine is an expression of my feelings. is that what your motives were or was it "if i put this song on "t" might think i mean it. and if i put this picture "t" might think i am remembering."

much like, if i give cody these lines and these deep in the eye looks he'll fall. maybe if i make him multiple c.d.s all with love songs and songs of torment between 2 lovers, he'll see how this situation is just tearing me apart... just tearing me apart. but wait. i can't go for it until i know for sure he will bite. so i'll carry it on long and drawn out just to make sure cuz i can't just break it off with "t" i have to have to make sure you are wanting me. so i'll feed you all the 'you are so talented,' 'you desreve so much better, and i am so different i will never treat you the way he did. the way they have.'. "i'm inlove with you" "how do i get over you" "i love you" whats that you want out. "if you want out make sure you tell me" i'll say, just to know right, no its actually so i can start being nice to "t" again since you don't want to be with me.

and how many times did that happen. yes i tried to back out many times just so i could stop hearing you say the things you said that i didn't really believe but really wanted to hear due to circumstances. but once the relationship with "t" ended, so did your pursuing of me. i was expected to just be there. to be there for you loneliness, for your lack of expressing feelings of the situation. for the throb between your legs. "i thoguht i'd give you a massage. i brought some oil from home, i had to put it in a different bottle cuz i didn't think "t" would like seeing the whole thing gone. hehe" and was it really not your intent to sex me up after your massage or was that just what you realized you had to say since i called you out on it. "its not about the sex" you would say. but any chance you got, "can we just have sex and then get dinner?" or "you should be painting that in the nude." "have we had sex yet"

then the friday before your re-evaluation of your decision to break up with "t" after i had told you we had to take a break until you moved out...to me: "i really wish you were here" "i miss you" "i love you" "your 2 favorite people are in cahoots" "s.b. and i are plotting how you are going to be my boyfriend." "i wish it were that easy" i really do want you to be my boyfriend" "god i wish you were here" "can i come stay with you" "i'm not drunk" "so i can't come stay with you" do you love me" can we do something next saturday to celebrate my last day of work and your paintings"

even though you were drunk, i felt you pick up on my distance. it was 10pm. you were drunk and acting like a high schooler giggling and slurring as i've never heard before denying that you were drunk. making statements trying to get me to back down and let you come. but i have a spine and have had one for a long time now. one i am quite proud of. then the rest of the weekend i felt you pick up on my distance even more. distance cuz of lack of substance to your words. then the next week.

then the next week. the cancelation of saturday plans. my confession that it was long over. then after asked, your confession of "contemplating whether or not you made the right choice." were you? were you friday? or were you saturday cuz you realized my break was leading to nada. el fin. i wanted to wait until you signed the lease, does that make me wrong, does that make me bad. i want you to live by yourself. to know your self. to love your self in a real way not a vain way. to better your self and whoever you end up dating . but you beat me to the punch, cuz why? cuz you sensed my distance. cuz you got scared that you might have to live alone and not be in a relationship for once? or was it so easy to drop me cuz you think there is no chance "t" won't get back with you. how pathetic. if he does, i feel for you both. it saddens me cuz i think you both have great hearts underneath it all. but...

anyone that knows the entire situation, and there are a few, realize that you need to be alone. you confuse your desire to not be alone for love. like i said, it might scare me but atleast i know what love is.

the pain inside me bubbles - and boiled into rage this evening. rotate, look, lyrics, got em! rotate,look, lyrics, got em! rotate, look, lyrics............. you may have lost the best FRIEND you ever had, we wouldn't have worked out together, no. the love you save may be your own. think before you speak, stop fucking people and try it alone.

c.