picked all my weeds but kept the flowers...

i noticed last night while texting a new friend that there are still these thoughts that i have been keeping. weeds. i'd like to say i don't know where i learned this but i know exactly where. it was a collective of my last year in iowa (i have written posts about it) and the mormon and then of course josh and tooth, and not being able to take care of those weeds cuz of tooth's refusal to talk, and then l.roomie failing to be there for me cuz she had her own unhealthy relations. not that i didn't try, i tried. i tried finding places to feel comfortable and accepted bringing it up but it was ill received or even completely over looked even after being asked without me bringing it up, so i stopped. darrel even said to me over the phone that he knew i wasn't talking enough. i was masking feelings. its sick. its a sickening way to be. i never wanted to be one of those people. i grew up with one, and especially after tooth i don't want to be like them and have the possibility of treating people the way they have treated people. i will be the me that deals with situations. the one that is too vocal about his feelings. well i guess maybe little more balanced out. there is one big thing that i am learning over this past year and that is how to achieve balance. god bless america. its about fuckin time!

like all the other weeds i have picked i will pick this weed as well.


love ~ c.

gag

so one of my participants at work today asked me if i knew that tooth and t. got back together. i gagged because of my distance from it and the fact that a participant was bringing it up. i haven't literally gagged by the thought of a person (its actually cuz of the thought of how that person is and how that person treats people) since i watched my brother cut my dads hair back in highschool. but, because of this it inspired a new piece in my mind. and i have jotted it down and i am super excited. it will for sure be my most expressive piece yet.

i discovered last night that the old roomie has miss placed most of my kitchen supplies. she asked when she could come pick up the rest of her stuff so i told her and let her know what was missing. she claims to have nothing of mine. anyway... good thing its just things. but now i have the oddest assortment of kitchen supplies in the universe. also i saw her on saturday night and for some reason she felt the need to let me know that josh now works with her at her restaraunt.

ok. so now i am out of time and will have to finish writing about my iowa trip some other time!

love ~ me.

MY LAST LETTER. THE LAST BLOG-O-TOOTH. (many changes...soon to be back to c.)

i got your text...

or at least i assumed it was you. and sorry for not getting back to you sooner. like i said i no longer have you programmed in my phone and that was because i was tired of disapointing myself. as in having expectations, that you gave me, that you would be a friend. so i delete them right away so i can't send a sad or upset text back.

i guess if you care here is an update of things going on in my life. i am working part time at the cllc and it is going well. i enjoy the people that work there and the people i work with. its nice to do direct care again as well. i've missed it. but it got kinda crazy while i was training, i've been working a lot of 13 or 14 hour days. i help out at camp when i can which will be a lot this week. but yet again 13 hours days but i don't mind it as much with camp cuz i fucking love the place! martin's 4th painting is coming along nicely. i am actually way more into this one than i were the last 3 but have less time.

in my personal i am still going home the 29th and i am super excited. i need a break from here, from my home or lack there of, and from lack of understanding and deep real friendships. i have made some new friends which has been nice and a lot of fun but they look at me and sense the saddness of the past few months in my eyes and ask me about it. but i do not complain. i just explain that there have been some changes and some changes needed. it would have been really nice if you would have followed through with being a friend to me, tooth. i really needed one lately due to my home life. things have continued to go down hill with l. and bf.c. i had a discussion with l. a couple times and things would be good for a day or two but then be even worse. the last straw was me knowing her and her friends just did coke in her bedroom twice, and then coming home to cockroaches in my kitchen and my pillow shredded and the friends loud unruly dog. since then i have told her she has to move out as soon as possible. she says she understands and that she is not upset and that we will still be friends but you know how that goes.

its been pretty rough. and i have had my moments of breakdown privately. and since b, you and l. and bf.c. were my closest friends here i had no one but b. b. has been great but she is going through some of this stuff on her own as well. plus i was sick of trying to find someone to be there for me when i had these "friends" that said they cared. yet i kept hoping you would follow through with what you said. but i know you, just like i have always known you. and gradually your obligatory text went from every monday wednesday and friday to every monday and friday to just mondays and now i ask that it no longer happen. i know this won't be a difficult task for you but please do not text me cuz it is an instant step back the very moment it happens. i'm trying to make over my life for the better. i'm realizing the things i do wrong and changing them but i am trying to do whats right for me and don't want negative bullshit that can provoke my own negative bullshit to come out anymore. i no longer will allow myself to allow people to hold me back. but i know i can be easily distracted, and since you meant so much to me at one time and i did want your friendship and you told me you wanted mine, i will get distracted with a measly vacant text.

i'm very glad and thankful everything has gone down the way that it has. it has shown me exactly how you and l. and bf.c. really are, and also helped me to recognize for the most part now when someone is just doing something for the way that it makes them look. (sure this will still happen it happens all of the time) and i can be civil and friendly to everyone. and i am happy. and i smile and laugh for real. and i am stronger than before and much smarter than before. and i am still desirable to good people. people that actually want to get to know me. i also know i can do all this and make new friends, except this time make the right ones. ones that actually care to be my friend cuz they care about me and ones that don't need their ego stroked 24/7. im not trying to make you feel bad. this isn't only about you, i am updating you on me cuz at one time you said you still cared and wanted to be my friend. by the way putting me back on your top friends on myspace does not mean we are friends, you never speak to me, never send me myspace messages nor do you allow my comments to even show, and never send me emails or call me to see how i am doing. but it sure does make it look like we are friends to others. this is the behavior i told you about right before t. let you move back in, remember? so its saddens me to see that you haven't changed. i asked you what you would do if i ran and asked if you would chase me. and you said "yes as a friend." i didn't even have to run. yet i no longer can even see you in the distance. thanks a lot, tooth. but also thank you very much. believe it or not but i am no longer angry. i just got fed up with being hurt. in the exact same way you said t. just kept hurting you over and over by not talking to you. so if you thought of others feelings as you say you do you would have noticed. i had even already mentioned it the night i deserved the "friend of the year ward." i wasn't asking to be with you i was asking for your friendship that we swore would always be.

if you do "still care" feel free to email me or call me when you think i won't be working. honestly, i really don't expect to hear from you though. and please don't send me an email full of "really busy" excuses. i'm not a child. don't treat me as one. if you cared you would make a little time. if you care you will prove it.

good luck. have fun.

goodbye ~ ME

if you read my blog you already know all of this. and if you already know all of this you deserve double goodluck!

i forgive you and wish you well.

still just tryin to find whats best for me. right route. right
actions. right people. whats right to make me the best me i can be.
and i cant be involved with anything or anyone that projects negative
bullshit or distracts me to bring back my own negative bullshit
anymore. at this time? ever again? i mean its everywhere.
"nobodys perfect. im doin my best. yeah."

thinking through. processing the OBLIGATORY TEXT?

photo by R.H.

o·blig·a·to·ry ( ə-blĭg'ə-tôr'ē, -tōr'ē, ŏb'lĭ-gə- )
adj.

1. Morally or legally constraining; binding.
   
2. Imposing or recording an obligation: a bill obligatory.
   
3. Of the nature of an obligation; compulsory: Attendance is obligatory. Mathematics is an obligatory course.
   
4. Biology. Obligate.

obligatorily o·blig'a·to'ri·ly adv.

text message
n.

A message consisting of words that are typed or entered on a keypad and sent electronically to a cell phone, especially from another cell phone.

So...

As long as this is done it means you want to be friends?

Once Again:

Its about what is done not what is said and and a text once every few days feels more like saying than doing. just because something is said doesn't mean something is felt.

im·por·tant (ĭm-pôr'tnt)

adj.
Strongly affecting the course of events or the nature of things; significant: an important message that must get through; close friends who are important to me.
Having or suggesting a consciousness of high position or authority; authoritative: recited the decree with an important air.
Obsolete. Importunate.
[Middle English, from Old French, from Medieval Latin importāns, important-, present participle of importāre, to mean, from Latin, to import. See import.]importantly im·por'tant·ly adv.

If i have yet to feel important to you it cuz i know what it feels like when i am important to someone. our friendship is not important to you. looking a certain way is important to you.

Reactive

adj.
Tending to be responsive or to react to a stimulus.
Characterized by reaction.
Chemistry & Physics. Tending to participate readily in reactions.reactively re·ac'tive·ly adv.reactiveness re·ac'tive·ness or re'ac·tiv'i·ty n.

Proactive

adj.
Acting in advance to deal with an expected difficulty; anticipatory: proactive steps to prevent terrorism.proaction pro·ac'tion n.proactively pro·ac'tive·ly adv.proactiveness pro·ac'tive·ness or pro'ac·tiv'i·ty n.

bringing on the proactive...

love ~ c.

eeek.

not to sound bad but i've calculated my data ;) (some know what i am talking about) and there is a definite pattern with the gay guys in relationships around here. (so maybe its best i am not in one. i just hope it doesn't rub off on me.) they all kinda think their shit don't stink and they all moan and grunt their problems to everyone but their significant other and when things go too far they talk of how they desperately want to make it work - but notice i said when things go too far, they all kinda fuck around behind each others backs. some know - most don't - but everyone else knows and nobody tells them because of their attitudes. and because of how they are always pulling false alarms anyway. it would be wonderful if people could approach them and be able to say "look i need to tell you about your boyfriend" but they would snap. also a lot are really sneaky. (manipulative?) and so exclusive but only part of the time. and they do it through slimy messages and dirty texts. this is in no way a jab at my former. but my former "whatever" did help me to put together why i was so confused and slightly ished about most of the gay relationships i come across here. i know it can't be all of them. i just can't wait to meet the positive gay relationship role models. here.

its just that lately i have been sitting back and observing again. reading again. (in more ways than one) and i am still proud of myself and my life and where i am these days. i've been reflecting. only this time i am more clear headed than i have ever been. (even though i have said that before - i realize now i had been exaggerating in the past) and I am back. it makes me smile. the sad thing is that i may be looked down upon or less than for not being in a relationship in these communities but hey, at least i'm not in a shitty'ol mess of one. or a fake one. or an abusive one. (anymore :) phew!) or one where i am being put at risk because my partner sleeps around (but lies about it). and without condoms. (and lies about that too)

i realize how bitter and jaded this all may sound when written. but i promise you that is not the case. which is kind of a surprise to me as well. usually after i have been crushed and forgotten i tend to over compensate and not date for a year or two. not this time. things are seen in a new light fo'real this time. and i am happy about it. and happy.

enough. i am.
~ c.

p.s. someone told me he would be out of town for the weekend with t. and said if you can't get a hold of me its because i have no phone or computer. is it possible that he is so focused on himself he didn't even notice that i hadn't been contacting him. only once did i. and now i probably won't hear from him cuz i told him it shouldn't be a problem since he is no longer programmed in my phone. and he acted surprised. i made him very well aware of the fact that i thought he would disappear for good if i stopped contact and he said it wouldn't work out that way. hmmm... yeah. hmmmm.... its just what i had to do to stop myself from hurting myself with his actions. (or lack there of.) does that make me wrong. does that make me bad. i knew i would barely hear from him so i knew if he did contact me - i would know it was him. and the very few times he did i deleted right away so i couldn't harm myself with his actions (or lack there of). again. some more. so strange how i spent months letting him know me and how i was and to realize from november to may he only heard what he wanted to hear. only saw what he wanted to hear. which i guess works out cuz he only let me hear what he wanted me to hear and only showed me what he wanted to show. (so mostly nude photos and of course the constant talk of sex) so many realizations come fourth. ones of him. a lot of me. ones of you and you and you. :) ones of past. so many things i have been thinking about lately. i am on top of my game again. with much thanks to all of - you who know who you are - and a lil guidance from yehuda of course! ;)

peace out.

This is not what i want...

A man can live in a small town, in a modest house with a white picket fence and a wonderful garden that he tends all day long. its a good life, a tranquil life. At age 95, he passes on peacefully in his sleep. On the surface, it appears to be an ideal existence. But was this really his purpose on this planet? Was there any internal change in this man's life? Is he a different, more evolved spiritual being at age 95 than he was at 35 or 65?

Some people live 70 years as if it were one day. Some people live one day as if it were 70 years. The white picket fence, early retirement, the simple lifestyle - all this leads to complacency. This things can be weapons of our opponent, who will instill complacency within us to prevent us from making inner changes. Then, when its too late, we realize that life was empty and without meaning.

Even worse, some people go to their graves without realizing that their existence was empty.
~ Yehuda Burg

here comes some brutal honesty. this is the only place i have to do it. :/

here goes...

sigh.

deep breath.

i'm so hurt. (first tear) but i have to be so strong for everyone else. mother you taught me well. but if this is what you felt like most of the time i owe you my life and then some. and i apologize. sincerely i apologize! i can't believe how people can go through life treating others as just characters and not actual people. i'm not a cardboard cut out you fucking self centered self satisfying prick. (crying) but i can't talk like this to people cuz it makes me weak and bitchy. or it makes me a drama queen, right? well the one person i had to talk to about "shit" has fallen off the face of the earth cuz being friends with me wasn't convenient for him all of a sudden. for his marriage of convenience. everything on his terms. it takes courage to recognize whats real from whats convenient. (sob) one of these days you won't get what you want when you want it like you always do. then what? you'll find some new sucker. tell him how hes is the most beautiful person you have ever seen, you won the gay lottery perhaps. how you are in love with him. and you will tell him these things even after you fuck him over so you continue to get your ego stroked. oh really, you are still in love with me - "between me and you" and i'm still the most beautiful person you've ever met - "between me and you" (a bit of chuck comes up) do you tell t. these things cuz if you guys are going to have a real relationship as you claim you want maybe you should discuss these things with him. your ego...is that what all the nude pictures were about. you are so into your self that you have multiple nude pictures from years and years that you keep around. tell me what about the 6 or more c.d.s that you made me while you were with your boyfriend that you so sensitively titled "crossing the line" how sick does it get. and why did i fall for all of it. why did i let you make me believe that you meant it. why did i let it swallow my entire life. because i was in an insensitive relationship at the time. you knew i would fall for it hook line and muthafuckin sinker huh. you saw what i needed to hear most and what i longed for most and you used it to make me adore you until you decided if you wanted to follow through or not. and then you did, but didn't get it exactly the way you thought you would cuz i have a spine or was it because you did get what you wanted... -in your excited tone if we ever became close and after we did- "does this mean we have had sex? does this mean we have had sex?" (somewhat shameful shudder) and why would anyone want to take that person back. especially since he knew you did all of this to him. he saw the emails and the photos you sent. "crossing the line" sick. gross. oh you thought it was so cute when i said them both. how bout now that they are about you.

i am a human being. i have feelings. don't brush me aside for when it is convenient for you. (sob) and i'd like to follow that with, "cuz i won't stick around you'll lose my friendship blah blah blah" but that won't matter will it. cuz then you won't have to deal with this end of it anymore. that would be ideal. for you. a lot of things in your life are ideal for you. aren't they? you don't give two shits about anyone but your damn self. if you loved t. you would have kept your fuckin mouth shut, your dick in your pants, and your heart in his hands instead of mine. (sob and snot) your heart... hmmm.... you don't know what to do with it so you clobber everyone elses... hmmm...

"its really important that we are friends" "i hope to be as good a friend to you as you have been to me" "i really do want to be your friend and i care about you"

really? ... then where the fuck is my friend when i need him most? huh? (one last row of fast tears)

oh thats right you have to get back to convincing t. and yourself that you want to be with him when really all you are trying to do is guarantee your status as never by yourself. never alone. i see now why you are so scared of being by yourself. i see what you are capable of and it scares the shit out of me too.

exhale.

wipe my brow.

sob.

stop.

smile.

on to help the next person.

I'm always "ok."

~ me(the real human being one, the non cardboard cut out stand still look pretty one)

i'm still standing.

everything around me near and far seems to be crumbling. many many things all over. and for once despite tooth and his bullshit i feel like the last one standing for once. its really strange.

i hung out with an ex that i haven't seen for 6 years. he happened to be in town doing trainings for his job in kc so we met up. it went much better than i thought. we actually got a long really well. not that we talked of any of our past in detail but i think we understood each other. and both of us are doing very well.

its good to be able to talk to exes. i've never been one that liked not speaking to someone that meant so much to me at a certain point in my life. i talk to all of them except the first one here, but i even sent him a congrats on getting into unc message yesterday.

i don't know whats going to come of tooth. he continues to hurt me every day. i've received more of an apology and more concern for my well being from "t." and thats not how it should be. "not that i don't appreciate." yesterday i had a couple rough hours and oddly enough the ex ended up making me feel better. although he didn't know it. i guess cuz righting things with him has seniority over tooth.

i gotta go.

love ~ me.

Here and There Ramble Rant

its amazing. intentions. actions. relations trashed. significant others taking over. self rightious. childish. everyone's looking for something. everyone is in it for themselves. relationships of past reviewed in different light. funny how much can change in one night. the influences brought in. begged for. created. the cycling of loves. of life. people stepping in only because they realized you realized they stepped out. sensing their lack of presence in your life. showing up-popping in just to remind. the phonies of this space. the shit stirring non-verbal communication. the intentional bring up but don't finish - say but not say. child heart social yet adult heart work. always older - always confusing me. ones coming back - i guess we'll see how this will be. then there is the new. thank god for you. new live in. new all of a sudden. the one that frieghtens so. so my fault though. i scare myself. the ones that have seem to keep tapping my shoulder. keep tripping me. won't be on their way. maybe they actually won't lie. maybe truth be told. maybe other dick they won't try. maybe actually out of the pants and into the heart that i am worthy of so. am i ready? will it be another one side? never partners, always competitors? and why won't you respond? why won't you get back to me? why won't you speak the whole truth instead of partial. always leaving things in the air. i think that people just don't care. enough.