Hello

http://allfucihrph4.webs.com?Lwg4c3vozz

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angelique rougeaud

http://www.night-life-team.de/lndex.html

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Oh my god i cant believe it! Iowa legalized gay marriage!

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more to come. later.

<3 ~ me.

I love that i hang out with people instead of images.

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stop bitchin start a revolution

"tell me the truth. remember that? we used to live by it. and you know what's so good about the truth? everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. no one forgets the truth...they just get better at lying." - kate winslet in revolutionary road.

whoa. i feel you and desperately do not want to be your character.

i think i cried so much cuz it reminded me of an argument with mi, which made me realize - that was the closest i came to giving up. and then it made me realize i continued to give up over the 3 months or so afterward. my barely existing ways from august - january. surrounding myself with the things i fear cuz they are so comfortable, easy and habit. the lifestyles i fear the most for the same reason. the lack of passion i fear. the shift of priorities etc. and look where it got me. it got me back to where i was in early august. yet i have at least one more ghost. an equal ghost only different in age.

thank god for things that are real and honesty. and for self - realization / awareness / acceptance and growth.

revolutionary road = must see.

love ~ me

i feel like a version of myself - and ramble thought.

get ready, its a pretty negative sounding one! but remember - i'm the judge of just how negative it actually is.
but apparently people have a problem with honesty. on their end and with my honesty. it hurts that people vanish when they don't get what they want from you. or they slightly turn on you just cuz they want to sleep with someone and don't want to mess up their chances. or because you have a serious side and you no longer fit the character they set in their mind for you in the movie of their life. so 2009 is the year of change. and some people have no idea how much change for me - but that is because there is no one i can tell of the change. there are few and they know who they are cuz they already know. i can't tell anyone else cuz there will be judgment, hard looks and swagger that says "well look at me now, i'm better than you" or that's not my problem i have no solution for you types. or, they really just don't care enough for me to tell them - that way i won't have to see their fake positive reaction or their "southern hospitality" for some. i think what it is is that i was trying to get back on track on so much after mi that i feel into a trap of just gettin by, hangin out, etc etc. and now that i'm well and done and over with it i am absolutely bored with the life that was created by it. i don't want to just go to work, go out and get drunk with my awesome friends, and go back to work. i want to do things again. i want to have adventurous friends again. people that care about people and the world and people that experience nature other than walkin to a bar or to their car. people that do shit during the day other than a hungover brunch and maybe shopping. and i do have those friends, its just that they are not in durham. a couple are in chapel hill but they are easily distracted, a couple are in charlotte, the rest are spread out from iowa, nyc, texas, florida and even spain. don't get me wrong i still want to go out and shake my ass and get a bit drunk but i want more. if family guy was here i'm sure we'd do more. hes coming to visit the end of feb. but just a visit. so another teaser like when i went home ;) maybe ill go to charlotte soon. as a matter of fact maybe ill email my peeps now. i'm out. i feel better. change has and will come.

love ~ me

-it's not my business to decide how good you are for me, how valuable you are, or what the world may see. only that you try to understand me, and have the courage to love me for me. -

-poor is the man who's pleasures depend on the permission of another. -

so....

i'm excited to leave the cold for warmth. too bad that only pertains to the weather.

but....merry christmas everyone!


for the first time in a long time i feel i have done the opposite when it comes to choosing my friends and boyfriends. and if you read past entries (there are enough about my exes) you'll see what i mean by opposite. well i shouldn't generalize all of my new friends. maybe just one or two. but my new boyfriend is a peach! ;)

love ~ me

i am going where i am not expendable

.reach around pull stick out of ass.

.the are better things than your appearance - or the appearance of your appearance, than comfort of habit and tradition.

.there are worse things than ex boyfriends/girlfriends and financial woes and cars and driving.

i'm going home, to iowa, tomorrow. where i am not expendable. where there are people who are happy to have me around. where there are people who know me inside and out and understand it and accept it. where i am not "so hard to read." where i can shut off the loops in my head. so i don't have to constantly reassure myself. i am in desperate need of the vacation. i just don't know that freezing cold snowy iowa is gonna do the trick. once again i am suprised, yet not, by people's actions and behavior. in good ways and in bad. i love how its so hard for people to be honest with themselves. i also love how because we are not honest with ourselves, when things go not as planned, we point our fingers in other directions. or dissappear. i love that once again because i am writing this it sounds as if i am negative and in a bad mood. i am not. i'm a little disappointed again. still. but it literally is whatever. and i have been in an excellent mood all week. even despite my co worker who has a tendency to drive me up the wall. and the fact that i'm broke at the moment and my car was broken into last week and people keep dropping like flies cuz everyone has some much shit to process these days and multitasking is apparently out of the question. :D things are generally good. my job is going to be pretty kickas once i smooth out some kinks. i'm finally feeling back to mine. i can't wait to smooth these last little transitional bits out. i'm owning up to my feelings and my actions. i'm being honest with myself and i can still be a good kind person to others and be honest to them as well. i'm phasing out and phasing in with a smile on my face and only a glimmer of dissapointment and sadness in my eye. i can no longer feel bad about other people's choices.

i am already planning my next move.

peace out. wish me luck in the frigid i.a.

love ~ me

whoa

my life is full of uneventful, unmotivated, work joys and stressed weekdays followed by whirlwind costumed weekends. i'm tired. but my body of habit is trying to fall into that way of living. i am glad i will have a break from the nc way. of course i will have a whirlwind of a week in iowa but it will be different and it will be home and it will be new. god bless america. and "family."

but i will say, fuck the cold that i have to go be in for a week. the high today in my hometown was 5 degrees. gross. and predicted 5-10 inches of snow between 9am and 2pm. sick.

but i am still excited to get away.

love ~ me.

holy gold fuck my birthday party was amazing!!

i think....

i think what i am realizing is that despite the bullshit, the one-sidedness, and how much you took me for granted and i knew it, i was madly in love with you.

i think this realization is whats helping me get rid of the whole experience, well not get rid of but relocate it to the back of my brain instead of the middle where its been lingering for months.

i think i know i am scared. scared for it all to happen again. scared for me to do that again. scared for me to allow someone else in since it won't be you cuz for some unknown and very intense reason i wanted it to be you and always had.

i think since i always wanted it to be you is why i let things happen the way they did. and since i let things happen the way they did its been bitch to try to not beat myself up over it and become a version of you. the shut off, bitter, never speak to people again, eliminate them from my life type.

i think. no i know, i do not want to be like you. never. ever.

i think my blind gay midget coming tomorrow is going to do me a world of good.

i think he has no idea what he's gotten himself into. :)

i think he will benefit from this trip as well.

i think i forgot how good it feels to have someone around that actually loves all of me and not just parts of me.

i think its hilarious that cher's believe is playing right now.

i think i hold onto things for too long. clearly.

i think i am a good person regardless.

i think i am worthy of a lot. and will give a lot.

i think i'm a ridiculous, funny, weird, annoying, caring, compassionate, creative, dumb, smart, asshole, selfish, giving, thoughtful, open minded, very accepting person. among some other things.

i think i'm kinda lame for writing this but also know i don't care cuz it feels good.

i think i'm done.

love ~ me

i like the sound of this!

Wednesday, Nov 26th, 2008 -- Pluto was in your sign since 1995, creating dramatic changes to many aspects of your life. Now, as it enters cautious Capricorn and your 2nd House of Self-Worth, the pressure lessens and you may feel more like your old self. Instead of forcing additional upheaval onto your personal life, you will be asked to transform your values and to bring your life into alignment with the new you.


Very nice. i hope. :D

i've been trying to get things aligned with the way i feel inside and know i can be and know the way things can be for years. and 95 sounds about right! ;) whoa lets not even discuss where i was in 95 and who i was and what i was doing. holy crapola.

i have the apratment to myself til tomorrow afternoon when my blind gay midget gets in. that kicks ass for two reasons.... i get the place to myself and d. is coming! and then sunday is my golden birthday party! fuckin sweet.

i <3 the rest of this week!

love ~ me

By the way my last text entry isn't just about the obvious...

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"Even the devil wouldn't recognize you - but i do..."

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i have no idea whats going on with people.

anymore. or maybe i never did. it's confusing and disappointing. and i don't like it very much. but i like my new job. i have kids in my life again to match my energy level and to help me feel appreciated. plus i get to play for a living again. kickass.

love me.

this was yesterdays entry that vanished somehow....

i'll get it all figured out, when i'm out from under...

i miss real things. i don't know whats happened to me here in the nc but most of the people i formed real and what i thought was secure relations with have abandoned me. which is kinda my fault. i can't keep my fuckin mouth shut. and then the others its cuz i was dating them. so maybe next time i should just keep my mouth shut with that too. i need to stop telling them that the thing i hate the most is when people vanish and stop all contact. i'm sure its not a personal attack on me but sometimes it feels like they do it on purpose cuz they know its the easiest way to fuckin stab the knife in and twist. i can't wait til darrel gets here on thanksgiving. and i wish travis could make it here. i miss mom. i think now that things are done and over with my body is just ready for something, anything, familiar again. anything familiar besides sleep and over eating / drinking. cuz those are the three things i apparently can't get enough of. gross. the sleep is kind of new though. i've never been this sleepy in my life. i guess maybe i am finally following in grandpa and mom's footsteps. i don't think i am quite to the point where anytime i sit down i can fall asleep but i definitely have my moments. holy shit. i wish you really could catch up on sleep, but i would have a lot to catch up on...

it breaks my heart that people have to be so scared and so shut off. not that i have never been that way or that i'm not in certain ways. but when you love someone in anyway for whatever amount of time how do you just shut it off so easily. its one area where sometimes i truly wish i could conform. where i wish i could be like other people. or at least lie to myself to the point of convincing like others do. i refuse to believe that people can actually shut it off like that. i think i was close to being that person once i just needed huge drug filled distractions to be able to be that close. but lately, and it scares the shit out of me, i am seeing how its possible to get so hurt and so bitter to be able to shut everyone out. this past weekend i had a moment where i almost got rid of anyone that was/is associated with certain people. i was to close to someone who does it too well so now i know all the tricks. i know exactly how to do it how to (try to) fool myself. i'm just kind of fed up. i know for people who know me its probably really hard to believe that i almost love everyone. i can honestly say i like people in general, despite the ignorance and habits and all that. i find it all way too interesting to not enjoy it. i just wish people would chill the fuck out an just give a damn. i also wish i knew how to come off the way i feel inside, but i can't seem to escape the appearance of narcissism, and gay, and bitchy, and negative. maybe if i wouldn't write an talk the way i am right now... maybe if i wasn't so hard on myself it would be easier for others to see me. (thanks childhood) anyway, just thoughts provoked this morning. thanks to an ex, a friend, certain life situtions, and the shitty dreams i had last night (again).

love ~ me.

Who reads this anyway? Who would want to?

I think there are 2 people that still read this. now maybe going on 3.

Decode

"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools
Of ourselves"

i found my old blog. i used to write in it multiple times a day. it helped get me through some crap but its really funny how much my age shows through. the reason i ever started this one was because that one suddenly vanished on me one day and i thought it got deleted. so strange. i really should start writing every day again. maybe thats what i'll do to get my self discipline back and will power. i'll write something every day and i'll paint on my gigantic canvas on my wall in my bedroom every day. or maybe as long as i do one or the other. we'll see.

i'm doing an inhome care thing again. i think i wrote a tiny bit last time i did it. its easier this time around but its still really hard to shut off the crazy enough to be able to be stuck in this apartment for 52 hours straight. but hey, eyes on the prize right. and its good for me. to stay in and do good as opposed to doing nothing all weekend except being lazy.

speaking of, i don't know if its old age, daylight savings time-lag, or if we have a carbon monoxide leak in our place but i am always tired whenever i am at my new home. maybe its my body being relieved for not having my own space for 3 months. or more if you count before i moved in with mi.

as for mi.... we spoke on the phone once - i went over and got some shit from his place - he is still all weird about shit. its so disappointing. i don't know what i am holding onto other than the fact that it never had to be like this and maybe cuz i realize i was always one of the few that called him out and didn't let him get away with murder like he does with everything, and even in that position he still got away with enough for me to say enough. i just worry about him. cuz i know he wants to be happy but 32 years of cover things and hiding and running thats a hard thing to turn around. its like imagine you were a drug addict or alcoholic since the earliest you can remember and trying to change it now after 32 years. well thats where he is. and i saw him change on his own in very little ways, which is what kept me going most likely, but he did it on his own after marie and i would call him out on shit... it just makes me sad. but once again, i don't know if i am sad cuz i want to help him and miss him, or if i'm just sad cuz i really love him and i know its going to be difficult for him. i see pictures of him and i just feel like i can feel his misery. even through the bared teeth... i guess on my end love really is stronger than pride, cuz i have reached out to let him open up or reach back or what have you and nothing. which has recently started making me very angry. cuz why the hell would you wanna blow off something that you know is good for you. and i am talking just as friends. he knows, and admits, i never did any wrong to him and still here we are. i keep having him in the background of dreams i have, he won't play a part in the dream other than the fact that i see him and i can feel his misery. i think i am finally being pulled away from him to move on. but not cuz of me or anyone else. just as if the universe is saying "hey he gave up, you haven't. peace out, just peace out."

this feels good. maybe i will write more later.

love ~ me

Theres an anger i feel deep within today. Finally. F@#K YOU FOR ABANDONING ME, MI!

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O.m.g. The world of artwalks. These people are craaazy!

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I has a home!

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Its so close... So so close.

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Multimedia message

Me - the last 3 months.

3 days

in exactly 3 days i will finally be a nomad nomore. god fucking bless america. i cannot believe it has been this long. its been hard at times. very hard. times where i have to force away a breakdown when i feel it coming on cuz i don't want to drive all the way to fuckin morrisville to hang out in a livingroom that isnt my own.

i still get very angry (and sad) that mi vanished in the middle of my struggles instead of being a support, especially when he was saying how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. and now its almost been half the time we were technically together since we haven't spoke which just makes me feel like i failed even more, and that ho gives a shit if i try to make things civil at this point. fuckin asshole. i just want to shake him and make him realize what he did to me. what it feels like. so maybe he won't do it again. and remain unhappy the rest of his life. anyway.

i am so excited to finally move in. i am not excited about unpacking all of my boxes and being slapped in the face with memories. i am looking forward to sleeping on a real bed consistantly.

gotta go.
peace.

love ~ me

gotta get away

some of us are disappearing to the mountains this weekend. i am very excited about this. it'll give me a chance to get away and stop stressing about being so close to moving in to our loft. it'll help make the time go by faster... finally after 2 1/2 months of being a nomad, being in transition will be over! and finally i'll be able to move forward. properly grieve my last 3 months and mi. even thought i still feel the need to call him. i'm ridiculously excited about this. so much so that its hard to be patient. more later. its sprinkling an i'm outside...

love ~ me.

I'm collapsible.

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last night I had the worst dream ever.

but i think it might mean some good. or atleast give me a little insight to what i need o be paying attention to.

in the dream i was waiting to die. i was actually tricked into the situation as well. and once i realized i was extremely sad and worried. heres what this is supposed to mean... in the order of it happening.


trickery

An effort to mislead, fool, or manipulate someone can represent:

• A feeling or fear of these things somewhere in your real life
• Trust issues (trusting to much or not enough somewhere in your life)
• A general feeling of caution or mistrust regarding the world or a particular aspect of it

waiting

Often represents the idea of waiting in real life—or imagining that you are waiting, or fearing that you might have to wait for something. The meaning depends on the context and what you're waiting for.

dying

A dream that you or someone else is dying can represent:

• A feeling of low "life energy" or a weariness in your life, perhaps due to an emotionally or mentally sapping situation, a physical condition that makes you tired, etc.
• Coming to the end of a phase, such as of childhood
• The idea of "dying" mentally, emotionally, or spiritual, such as due to lack of nurturing, inspiration, or fulfillment

feeling

Feelings in dreams often represent themselves, although the subconscious mind may be exaggerating them in the dream. For instance, if you are feeling angry or happy during a dream, you are likely truly angry or happy about what's happening in the dream—and also about what it represents in real life.

or you could be having a toxic dream.

ToxicA Toxic Dream is usually a very realistic, upsetting dream that is most likely to occur when your body's cleansing system is overloaded during sleep. They are usually terrible nightmares and their purpose is often simply as a signal that you went to bed in a physically toxic state. These dreams can result from a number of factors the day before, including:

• Eating refined carbohydrates (sugar, white flour), processed or junk food, additives or preservatives.
• Eating any foods within 2 hours before going to bed.
• Ingesting drugs or other substances that stress the body.
• Encountering environmental toxins (mold, exhaust fumes, etc.).
• Being stressed (stress hormone by-products load the body's cleansing system just like external toxins do).
• Being emotionally toxic, such as going to bed angry or hateful (holding on to emotional upset creates a stressful physical state).
• Not getting enough rest (sleep-deprivation robs the body of its critical nighttime cleansing cycle, leaving more toxins in the body).

i think it just means i need o relax and take care of my health physically and mentally. it all kind of makes sense. i just wonder why my brother and mom are the ones that did this to me, why my mom disappeared afterward and why my brother looked like a man child. so weird.

love ~ me.

Ghosts. I have all these ghosts that follow me around. Some are actually dead, most are still alive. Why do they do this?

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my horoscope for today.... ?

Sagittarius Horoscopes

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Yesterday | Today | Tomorrow

Sunday, Sep 21st, 2008 -- You are as quick on your feet today as you are with your witty tongue. Fortunately, you are quite charming now and can get away with a bit of extra sarcasm. Nevertheless, don't push your luck too far. Your idealism can influence your thinking and cloud your judgment. Talk less and try to accomplish more.

i thought i would have written over the weekend...

but being caught up in it i guess i just disn't want to write about it until i processed this weekend. so maybe i'll do an entry tomorrow or sometime this week. i have received some of the nicest compliments this weekend. and i guess i have kinda seen who my friends are maybe. or maybe i'll find that out tonight. maybe this weekend which i thought wold make me crazy will actually bring out me and whats best for me in many different ways. its funny, i thought i would be more sad about mi and wanting to call him desperately and tell him that it doesn't have to be this way, this 13 year old way. but i found myself missing him but being so upset with him and endlessly dissapointed that my best friend and boyfriend in my time of need and lack of stability cuz my world turned upside down was not a support. was not there for me. instead he gave me timelines and ultimatums to benefit his feelings and his life. well his life was actually better he got a job he wanted he had a home of his own. meanwhile my living situation fell out from under me and i had been staying on peoples couches or floors. driving to my job that i was supposed to be done with - thank god they kept me and i didn't have to look for a job as well. but none the less, my world was not where i thought it was going to be. and my boyfriend didn't seem to care about anything but making sure he got what he wanted. so now when i think about it and realize that i also realize that thtas basically how our entire realationship was. yet i still miss him. cuz i do love him and i understand him probably better than he understands himself but his ego and pride coan never back down... hes so scared. such a scared little boy. and i mean look at him now. going out and getting wasted probably forgetting he told me multiple times that he only does that when hes horribly unhappy. never speaking to me again just like back in middle school... never speaking to me again. really? he's 32. i'm 27. we spent every day togethere since december and this is how it has to be cuz he didn't get his way. i just want to take him aside and make him realize. slap him silly and then hold him like he's never been held before and just squeez him. like a rag and just wring out all the hurt and the confusion and anything else he uses to cloud his mind. not to get back with him but hey if i could actually do all that then we probably would. but just to get him to realize that this is just going to keep happening. over and over like it has already. make him look within instead of looking for the problem in everyone else. ok i need to stop now cuz now i do want to call him desperately. to yell at him. to get my anger out. ugh. i miss my friend. i miss my friends. i miss my family.

more about my weekend later... there are some interesting thigs to tell.

love ~ me

breathe in breathe out....

i have quite the weekend ahead of me.... i'm sure i'll be visiting this old blog a few times. or atleast i should to get me through it.

this is going to be an experience...

love me, wish me well. ;)

love ~ me

really? yet i still miss you.

does it really have to be this way? why the constant ultimatums, why the constant time lines? why couldn't you just realize the very little you had to do to please me? the oh so very little i asked of you... just to think of me. and now losing friends because they don't want to back down to your immature ultimatums. because they see that a 32 year old that behaves this way is not the way to let their friend behave. it can't keep going on like this. you will repeat the same relationships over and over. you were right when you said i was different. i'm not sure too many other people would put up with as much as i let you get away with. i loved you. i love you. i loved you more than i could ever make you understand. for someone who said i was their soul mate, that i was so different you sure gave up on me easily in my time of need. my world had been completely turned upside down and you abandon me when i was so confused and hurt. i don't understand how you can justify your behaviour, i don't know how you can continue, i don't know how you can not realize that it doesn't have to be this way. and yet as usual with me.... i miss you. and i would be there in a second if you needed me. as usual.
i love you. ~ me.

so much has happened and keeps happening...

why @ the y

Sitting at the local ymca, waiting on my client, waiting on my evening without mi. mi is in the Midwest til Sunday hoping to change his life. I sit in the east coast o.c. still waiting for the change about to come. Good changes, exciting changes for both of us. Weird changes, scary and somewhat sad changes as well. Don’t know what to think don’t know what to feel. Know that I am thinking non stop about the upcoming shift. The upcoming saddened excitement. Waiting for family to show before I move in with my other family. So many things shoving their way about my mind. The stress showing on my skin on my sex. Working on my gluttony the American way filling in the spaces I put off earlier today. But doing it only in half my usual way. Allowing the distractions to hang out like best friends. Trying to scare myself in the shadows of my unknown. Rambling my thoughts into a mumble. Mumbling my words into an idea of a thought. Constantly trying to figure out the window to my door. Fumbling around in the dark, arms stretched in front of me. Endlessly getting smacked in the face by these moving walls. These vanishing walls. These questioning walls. Wondering where my priorities went, where were they to begin with. Or have we even met?